The Dog's View by Storm

Conehead drinks

2012-01-27T13:28:00.000-05:00

Laser Accuracy #fail

2012-01-27T09:24:00.002-05:00

All my life, I've been able to catch even the smallest piece of flying kibble or treats from mid-air with laser accuracy.

The human could toss them straight at me, to the left, to the right, and I'd get them into my amazing German shepherd jaws.

She'd do it with popcorn, too. That's how we've spent many a rocking Friday or Saturday night together, her on the couch with a bowl of popcorn, me sitting nearby waiting to catch kernels. Sometimes she would count; I think I made it to 24 kernels in a row once. I am seriously good.

Lately I suck though.

Last night, the human created optimal catching conditions for me. Lights on, me in a sit, focused, she aimed a piece of kibble perfectly.

I missed it.

I also haven't noticed some bunnies in the dark lately. Used to be, I would go crazy before the human ever saw them. Now, even if she points them out, I look around, but eventually decide there is nothing there and the human is an idiot.

Or maybe...my eyesight is starting to fade a bit?

Crap.

Team Jacob

2012-01-24T09:38:00.000-05:00

I'm the good looking one in black

2012-01-19T12:53:00.001-05:00

Frozen whiskers

2012-01-17T09:27:00.001-05:00

My Boyfriend Riley

2012-01-09T13:00:00.007-05:00

Riley has died.

He died December 30th. His dad called to tell my human this weekend.

He was only 8.

I met Riley in 2007, just after the human and I moved to our house on the lake in Burlington. We were out for a walk on a cold day when I saw him walking toward us.

Oh, my, he was handsome.

My tail wagged. My butt wiggled. We approached each other, performed the ritual sniff, and I loved him at first sniff.

For three years, we were neighbours, sometimes going on planned walks, very often just running into each other on the street and walking from there.

In summer, we frolicked in the lake together while Riley ate rocks. He would carry his favourite rock home with him. This made his human happy.

Riley needed tennis balls in his food dish in order to eat his kibble. If Gary, his human, removed them, Riley would return them to the bowl before eating.

When we went to his house, he was like a kangaroo at the back fence, jumping up and down so that all we could see was his head bobbing up over the fence line, disappearing, then bobbing back up again.

My human used to toss kibble at us like we were trained seals or something, and we would take turns catching them in the air. Riley was really good at it.

He was so handsome. Big, strong, beautiful colouring. He had a great bark too, and he loved to chase a ball in 'Riley Park' across the street from our house. I used to sit in the grass and watch him run, jumping in the air to retrieve the ball.

When we moved, our humans kept in touch and we got to see each other for walks still. Not as often as before, but the humans made sure our relationship stayed intact.

My human and I are utterly devastated that he is gone. We loved him. We will miss him.

Riley, I will see you again one day.

xoxoxo

Storm

Uh, hi

2011-12-21T08:58:00.000-05:00

Well, hello!

2011-12-19T09:34:00.005-05:00

I know! I know! It has been FOREVER since I posted. I blame the human. She has been 'busy' and unable to help with the typing. Life is good. I am 11 now - had a great birthday in August. Feeling my age at times. My back and hips give me a rough time. Stilll a puppy at heart though. I've mauled a few toilet paper rolls since I last wrote, rolled in snow, chased deer and bunnies and squirrels (but jeez it hurts afterward). We had two weeks together in October. Hiked, napped, hung out. It was great, except for the part where she watched me sleep. I'd wake up to this human gazing at me and think to myself, seriously, I chose her WHY?!

I will try to post more often now.

2011-06-24T06:26:00.000-05:00

I met a new boy last night. His name is Maximus. He's a King Shepherd/Malamute cross. Omg, he's HOT. He is so big and has such amazing fur. He's only one, but whatever, I'm a young-looking ten. He liked me. I gave him some play bows even, and I don't play a lot lately (I'm mature, you know).

Hot. Hot. Hot.

Hope I see him again.

2011-06-21T06:34:00.000-05:00

I am totally going gray. Look at my muzzle. Holy crap. I'm getting gray on my tail, my belly, even little tiny gray hairs on my ears.

Makes me look...wise, right?

All knowing?

Works for me.

I smell like a swamp

2011-04-26T17:52:00.001-05:00

It's spring.

There are puddles.

Everywhere.

And I cannot resist them.

I love to wander in, bite the water.

Then lay down and wiggle my belly around in them.

Yesterday, I swam in a marsh.

Under a boardwalk.

Made the human lay on her stomach across the boardwalk in order to see what I was doing under there.

What I was doing was trying to make her do exactly what she did.

Love it.

I am aware there will be a hellish trip to the groomer in my future, but spring puddles are SO worth it.

German shepherd sleeps

2011-03-06T08:51:00.000-05:00

2011-02-15T13:00:00.003-05:00

You never know where evil may be lurking.

It's my job to detect and deter evil.

Take this morning, for instance.

We got up early, the human and I, due to my sudden need to poop at 4:25 am.

Got home, she fed me breakfast (rice, disgusting) and made her fancy coffee. Then I guess because it was early and cold, she decided to turn the gas fireplace on.

She flicked a switch.

WHOOSH.

Wtf was that sound? I turned fast and stared down the dancing flames.

Cocked my head to the left.

To the right.

Continued to stare them down for a few more seconds.

Proceeded to issue a low, gutteral growl in their direction.

When that didn't put and end to them, I moved to my next weapon.

I commenced barking at the gas fireplace.

Don't know where the human gets off laughing at me like she did.

2011-01-24T10:25:00.005-05:00

This morning, the human gave me her cafe mocha mug so I could lick the inside.

Instead, I ate the mug.

Well, tried to, anyway. As soon as she heard crunching she grabbed the mug away from me and wouldn't let me finish it.

She said that I am not a dog.

I am a goat.

Whatever. The mug was crunchy and tasted great.

2011-01-14T19:36:00.001-05:00

I think I ate too much snow today.

And something has upset my stomach.

As a result, I'm spending this Friday evening whining a lot, locked in indecision between having to poo and/or having to pee.

On my last trip to the back yard, I settled on barking, since I couldn't decide otherwise.

2010-12-23T07:25:00.001-05:00

Since the computer is in the basement in our new house, and the basement is very cold, and I like to follow the human down there, and therefore must go back up the stairs, which is hard on my knees, well, we haven't been downstairs to write very often.

But life is good!

I ate an Always Infinity maxi-pad on Tuesday - pulled the box off a shelf in the bathroom and had a little feminine product buffet. So delish. The human was a bit worried about the ultra-absorbent effect on my digestive system so she watched me pretty closely. My appetite remained good and things were coming out the other end too, so I got away with it.

Since she hid the box on me yesterday, I ate some toilet paper off the roll on the wall instead.

2010-11-07T06:51:00.001-05:00

I was right. Something WAS going on.

We moved dens.

What a totally confusing few weeks I've had.

But I'm settling into the new den. Lots of woods and nature around. I've made two friends - Riley lives next door, he's a puppy. And Oreo is a pug, she lives around the corner. After initially considering eating them, I quickly changed my mind and have decided to be friends with them instead.

There are WAY too many stairs in our new house. That's the only thing I don't like. The human is trying to come up with ways to help me manage the stairs.

Today is Daylight Savings Time. Apparently, for humans, that means an extra hour of sleep on this cold Sunday morning.

For dogs, it means absolutely nothing.

We were the only ones out walking at 4:50 this morning.

2010-10-18T19:19:00.002-05:00

Something is definitely going down at the den.

Boxes everywhere.

Friends coming over to help the human move said boxes around.

Lots of "comforting" pats on the head.

I'm not stupid.

I am fully aware that something is going on.

Think it's all going to be ok, but I'm not totally convinced.

We shall see.

Just to be safe, I'm barking at everything.

2010-09-30T16:47:00.002-05:00

My name is Storm, and I am a bark-a-holic.

2010-09-26T19:37:00.004-05:00

omg - my last post was in AUGUST?

I'm such a dork.

See, there's been all this craziness going on around me lately and I guess I got distracted.

I know, I know, you're asking "Storm, what's been happening??"

Let's start with the human's new job (she goes off every day to earn something called money, which, she tells me, pays for my food and toys and treats and new dog beds and dog walks with my boyfriend...). She's giving off way happier energy now, but she's also running around more and I get more evening walks with Diane and my BFF Cosmos. That's cool - the human still makes sure we get plenty of quality time together, but still, it's a change.

Then all these strange people started showing up at our den. They'd walk around it, check things out, talk with the human. WTF? It was very hard to control. Combine that with the recent appearance of boxes, into which our den belongings are slowly being inserted, and it doesn't take an intelligent German shepherd to figure out something's goin' down.

She said something about buying me a house for my birthday this year. Maybe that has something to do with it.

Whatever it is, we'll get through it together. It's not as easy to deal with now that I'm older though. Sometimes I wish I was a less intelligent and intuitive breed so I wouldn't pick up on these things.

On the bright side, fall is here and the weather is finally good for a girl with a thick fur coat. I'm happy - the first morning we woke up and it was cool, I started doing play bows at 5:00 am I was so happy!

K, off to bed, promise I'll try to write more. Life is good - a bit chaotic, but hey, I've got food, comfy beds, a hot boyfriend and a roof over my head.

2010-08-26T18:15:00.001-05:00

This evening, I scared a calf and caused a minor goat stampede.

I am fulfilled.

2010-08-19T19:42:00.002-05:00

I turned ten on August 9th!

It was a good birthday, starting with raw, delicious stewing beef mixed into my breakfast kibble. I had a great walk with my pack, and at dinner time, Diane and Cosmos showed up. We went for a walk and hung out for awhile.

I was a bit freaked out when Cosmos started sniffing the pork-hide bone my human got for me a few weeks ago. She handed it to me a few weeks ago and was all excited; I really couldn't have cared less about the thing and made that abundantly clear.

However, once Cosmos expressed interest in it, I had to consume it. And that's what I did - just sat there being rude, not visiting at all, eating my pork-hide bone. The human came home from her first day at a new job and I didn't even get up to greet her; just ate my bone. Oh, I looked up, but that's all I could afford to do.

Aunt Diane ratted me out, told the human I'd been desperately eating the thing since Cosmos noticed it and hadn't been doing anything else, and damned if the human didn't stride over, remove the bone from between my greedy paws and tell me I was being a bad hostess.

Hostess?

Wtf is that?

I'm a dog, for god sake - someone was threatening my secret food stash - I HAD to eat it immediately.

Anyway, I forgot out my irritation when the doorbell rang and my boyfriend Riley showed up.

*sigh*

Cosmos, Riley and I did some sniffing together for awhile and hung out before the human came out of the kitchen with some amazing pumpkin-kibble cupcake things with natural peanut butter icing. I had to endure the stupid candle thing again this year, but it was so worth it. We each got a cupcake and chowed down. My god, they were delicious.

Ohhhhh and Diane brought me some dried up bull penises as a present!

My stomach was truly happy at the conclusion of my tenth birthday.

2010-07-29T19:42:00.003-05:00

I'm really having trouble with my back and hips lately.

Tonight I struggled again to go up the stairs to bed.

The human and the vet are trying to make it feel better for me, but right now, man, it hurts.

2010-07-28T09:53:00.003-05:00

I like to give welcome gifts when people come to the den. I wiggle around the house, searching for just the right gift to bestow upon them. It's a critical part of the welcome ritual for me.

Sometimes it's one of my stuffed animals, other times it's a shoe, boot, flip flop, slipper. Once I gave my dog walker one of my human's bras. Another time, I rooted out a fresh loaf of bread from the shopping bags and carried to to my human to welcome her home.

The other day, when Wayne, my dog walker arrived, I felt I wanted to give him something new and different instead of his usual welcome gift (my kong).

I looked around, and my gaze landed on a box sitting by the basement stairs, waiting to go down.

It was filled with things wrapped in newspaper. I chose one of the items, pulled it out of the box, removed it from its newspaper wrapping and delivered it to Wayne.

He seemed to like the cannister lid.

Who wouldn't?

My human appeared to be somewhat confused by the newspaper carelessly laying on the living room carpet and the lid sitting on the kitchen counter - but it didn't take her long to put two and two together.

She called me a "goof".

??

2010-07-23T06:57:00.000-05:00

In the end, I decided to bite his head off.

Best way to kill a vampire.

Unfortunately for me, the human intervened and Edward survived, with only a slightly mangled ear.

Great.

2010-07-20T20:07:00.003-05:00

So, if I look like some werewolf from a stupid vampire movie, according to that guy the other night, I thought to myself, what duties and responsibilities come with that?

Did some research and was happy to learn that as a werewolf, I am capable of killing vampires.

Who knew?

Convenient, since I am really, truly sick of listening to the human go on and on about some fictional sparkly vampire named Edward.

I located this plastic version of the Sparkly One, and decided to test my werewolf skills. Edward received a thorough sniffing, and I considered chewing off his right hand...

Lusting after ducks and cursing the leash

2010-07-15T13:52:00.003-05:00

2010-07-15T13:46:00.001-05:00

It's way too hot. Today, with the humidex it's 37C. The human and I are both getting bored because we can't hike or go for long walks, we're not sleeping all that well, and it's just a drag all round.

Tomorrow we head to Kincardine and, I hear, for some swims in cold Lake Huron. Thank god - although I'll be forcibly bathed after the swims, I think it will be worth it.

Meanwhile, I'll keep dreaming of fall.

2010-07-05T08:46:00.003-05:00

The other day while the human and I were walking along a trail on the lakeshore, a couple came up from behind, and the man said to the woman:

"Hey, look, it's Jacob!"

I am now being referred to as characters from Twilight.

Not so sure how I feel about that - the whole thing is pretty silly; however, if I have to be referred to as someone from that drabble, I suppose I'm happy it was a vampire killing giant wolf.

My human, who is freakishly in love with a fictional vampire from the movie and who abandoned me not once, but twice, over the past four days to sit in a movie theatre and gaze at the sparkly undead guy, was thrilled by the Jacob comparison.

But was quick to point out that Jacob, is in fact, a rust coloured wolf.

I would be Sam.

The black pack leader.

I like that better. Pack leader of a group of giant vampire killing wolves?

Works for me.

Bring on the Twilight comparisons.

It'll add to the "Harry Potter dog!" calls I often get. Haven't figured out what that one means yet.

2010-06-19T14:52:00.002-05:00

There's nothing like a good ole' "38 with the humidex" Southern Ontario day to make me feel lazy and old.

We're laying low today, partly because I overdid it this week on my off leash pack hikes and so my back and hips are sore, and partly because it's like the inside of a volcano out there. I was forced to have a big grass roll and rest a few times on our last walk.

Heard a rumour I may be allowed to swim in the lake on the next stroll.

I like that rumour.

Also heard it may be followed by a bath.

DISLIKE.

I'm a yogi

2010-06-17T10:37:00.001-05:00

That's right, I was at the human's yoga studio last night.

Must have been the calm energy there, cause I didn't bark or get bitchy with a single person.

In fact, people kept walking over and giving me delicious treats!

I love this yoga place.

2010-05-27T19:58:00.002-05:00

I wish to advise that I take offense to the question:

"Do you have a dangler, BooBoo?"

Seriously.

Ok, so, I like to eat a lot of grass in spring.

It's green and fresh and it's deeeelish.

And, yes, sometimes, it is a wee bit difficult to get out, if you know what I mean.

Occasionally, I walk away before I've, uh, totally completed the job.

I do, in fact, appreciate the help in those situations.

But does it have to come with a lifting of my tail while she says "have you got a dangler?" - in public? Really?

Jeez.

Riley

2010-04-15T08:44:00.002-05:00

Holy crap, Riley, my true, handsome love, has been coming on my dog walks with Wayne this week. Such happiness and joy.

Puddles

2010-03-31T08:07:00.004-05:00

I know I've written about puddles before, but after last night, I felt it was worth writing about them again.

Because I love them so very much.

We went to Bronte last night. A nice spring evening, around 11 degrees. The sun was setting and a full moon was rising. We wandered through an area of the woods that rates high on my spring puddle rating scale:

1 - no spring puddles
2 - one or two spring puddles in walking territory
3 - there's a puddle every five minutes or so, and about half are good for rolling in
4 - puddles every few minutes, 75% waddle/roll/sink into quality
5 - omfg, puddles EVERYWHERE, huge puddles, ones you can run in AND puddles you can swim in

The woods we walked in rate a 4. Generally a 3, but the existence of a spring pond at the exit point bumps them up one point. This pond rocks. Swam in it last night - pure happiness.

For me, well, it's just not enough to get my paws wet or drink out of puddles.

I need to be the puddle, be one with the puddle, you know?

I hear we may be heading to a 5-star spring puddle park on Friday.

OMG.

Busy, busy, busy

2010-03-23T07:20:00.004-05:00

I've been so busy, no time to write.

Spring has come early to my territory, and, with it there is much to do.

Spring grass to find and eat.

Puddles to play in.

Small ponds to swim in.

Squirrels and birds to chase.

Running to be done.

It really is overwhelming. Each night I'm exhausted.

The down side of spring in my territory is that the local geese almost all go away to lay and brood their eggs. They don't return until the eggs have hatched - which means a downturn in goose poo availability.

Regardless, life is good, I feel great and spring has arrived.

More crunchy goodness

2010-03-08T07:13:00.001-05:00

I ate a rodent skull yesterday.

Dug it out of the grass.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Crunchy skull goodness.

2010-02-21T19:34:00.000-05:00

Owl pellets have a satisfying crunch when you chew them.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

I chewed a few today.

Good Day Checklist

2010-02-15T20:14:00.007-05:00

Digging for voles

Early am walk, sniff and poo
Eat goose crap
Fill belly with delicious breakfast
Nap
Lick peanut butter from human's plate
Complete dishwasher pre-wash with tongue
Roll treaty ball around while human goes out
Nap in wingback chair
Greet human (apologize for napping in wingback chair after getting caught)
Go for car ride, bark at dogs on sidewalk
Bronte park - hunt voles, eat vole nests, chase red tailed hawks, sniff everything, pee on everything, eat owl pellets and mystery poo
Nap
Bark in backyard to assert presence
Fill belly with delicious dinner
Whine until human takes me out
Car ride, bark at dogs on sidewalk
Bronte park, vole hunting, sniff chickens, peacocks, bunnies and pigs at Children's Farm, fantasize about eating them
Car ride, nap en route
Home, evening treaty ball roll
Pre-bed chew on bacon nyla bone
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Checklist complete.

Dog unconscious.

Post-hike bliss

2010-02-09T08:16:00.001-05:00

My boyfriend came hiking with me yesterday!

2010-02-08T20:17:00.002-05:00

It's a first - he's never come hiking with me! For some reason, he seemed reluctant to allow me back into the car at the end of our hike. I can't imagine why - it's not as if I was so excited I barked like a freak all the way to the park.

Damn, I was cute

2010-02-01T07:06:00.000-05:00

2010-01-29T08:24:00.002-05:00

I came upon a stick during our walk last night. Gave it a brief sniff and walked away.

Sticks.

There are sticks you just look at and walk by.

There are sticks you are drawn to but, once you get to know them, you aren't interested.

There are sticks that are only good for a momentary chew. After you're finished with them, you walk away.

And there are sticks you want to get to know better and, no matter how awkward or unsuitable they may be, bring home to meet your family.

Like this one.

I loved this stick.

2010-01-25T13:19:00.004-05:00

We had a great walk at Bronte yesterday. The mouse hunting was superb, although I didn't actually catch any. The chase was good fun. Best place to find them is in the lumpy dried grasses in the fields. In the photo, I had just completed an unsuccessful hunt. True, I didn't come away from it with any food for the pack, but I had a fine time trying - wagging my tail, pouncing and doing my best to catch one.

Reflections of spring

2010-01-11T07:26:00.001-05:00

What? Squirrel? Where?

2010-01-09T08:22:00.002-05:00

2010-01-05T14:22:00.001-05:00

So sick last night.

I don't know what I ate, but it was bad. I woke the human up the first time just after 10:30, and we spent the entire night in a seemingly endless cycle of me waking her up, heading downstairs, going out, going to the bathroom, coming in, going back to bed, then me waking her up...etc etc...until she finally gave up at 4:02 am and realized there was going to be no sleep this night. She let me out then grabbed a blanket and sat on the couch.

On the bright side - every time I went out, it was snowing!

2009-12-31T10:51:00.001-05:00

Holy crap, I saw a coyote at Bronte yesterday. Would have chased it, too, if Wayne hadn't been so quick to hook me back onto a leash. What a chase that would have been.

2009-12-25T16:55:00.003-05:00

It's Christmas, and I've got a spring in my step today.

I got some great presents - a stuffed bunny without the stuffing (it looks rather like the roadkill I frequently covet), a stuffed sheep (which is already missing some stuffing in its head) and then dried bull penises (it just doesn't get any better, does it?).

Since I had identified my gift from Piper without any human help, using my superior scent skills, I took it upon myself to remove it from under the tree and open it. He got me the sheep, and some really smelly treats. Delish.

The human and I went for a walk in the snow after lunch and I ran and played and felt like a puppy. Carried her red mitten in my mouth for awhile on the walk, ate some snow, an all-round good time.

They're busy making Christmas dinner right now. There's a HUGE, amazing smelling turkey on the counter and I know that, despite the household rule against sneaking meat the the dog, my human will sneak me some.

I.

Can't.

WAIT.

Merry Christmas everyone -

Love,
Storm

2009-12-06T09:52:00.000-05:00

Are you KIDDING ME???

2009-11-24T08:51:00.002-05:00

Last night was weird - on one hand, wonderful, on the other hand, very confusing and stressful.

Human and I went for a nice after-dinner walk, the routine intact, my world was as I expect it to be. We hung out for awhile in the park across the street - she sat on a big tree stump while I laid in the grass and observed the world.

Then a big truck pulled into our driveway. She got all excited and said those magic words.

"Where's Adam????"

ADAM???

WTF?

ADAM IS OVER THERE?

Suddenly, I was a Mexican jumping bean, unable to keep my ass still or my feet on the ground, arthritis and hip displaysia forgotten as I bounded across the street.

Where I found Adam!

I went out of my mind with joy. His friend Jeff was there too. I also love Jeff.

Seems like a utopian night for a Boo, right?

Not so much.

Next thing I know, I'm attached to my human with a leash around her waist, and Adam and Jeff were hauling furniture and boxes out of the basement, from the upstairs area, into that truck.

I was so confused.

I panted, cried, paced, tried to stay as close to them as possible to supervise and attempt to decode their behaviour.

Oh, sure, they gave me occasional pats on the head etc. to reassure me. It didn't work - I immediatelly returned to panting.

The activity ended, and suddenly, after a brief goodbye, Adam and Jeff were gone.

I sniffed the house, trying to find them.

Then laid down and cried a bit.

And crashed like a stone.

Emotionally exhausted.

2009-11-18T16:05:00.002-05:00

Very sore this morning. Ugh. I was limping, had to walk super slowly and stopped a few times just to rest and sniff the air.

Getting older has some benefits, but few of them are physical.

2009-11-15T20:04:00.001-05:00

Ah, geese.

You produce such delicious poo.

2009-11-12T15:37:00.002-05:00

I choked on my kibble this morning.

Not the usual "suck in too much kibble/hork it out onto the floor/eat it off the floor" stunt I like to pull.

I seriously choked.

Each meal is so exciting, you know? I can't stop inhaling all the delicious food.

Next thing I know, I'm gasping for air, trying desperately to dislodge the kibble.

The human rushed over, wrapped her arms around my belly under my ribs, and did something with her fists, but it didn't help. I was still choking.

She grabbed my face, pried my jaw open, shoved her hand in and expelled some kibble.

Much to our relief, it worked.

I stopped choking.

And proceeded to continue to inhale my yummy breakfast.

2009-11-08T09:25:00.001-05:00

We went to Kincardine yesterday, leaving super early at 6:30 am. I slept most of the way - except for the part where the human was singing Christmas carols and gazing at me. Oh, man. I gave her my best "are you a complete retard?" look, but it didn't stop her. Next thing I knew, she was laughing and telling me how cute I was. I gave up, and joined her, sitting up and barking along while she sang.

After we left the car at the dealership, we walked to the house. Too long for me. I slowed down a lot after about 30 minutes, hips and back hurting. I could tell the human felt badly. She matched my pace, let me decide how fast or slow we would go, let me take little rests to sniff the air. Despite my discomfort, I ran gleefully across the big lawn when we got to grandma and grandpa's house. Grandpa and Piper were home - had a great visit, spent the whole day outside.

Piper was humping me.

WTF?

I didn't kill him, because he's family.

But, still...wtf???

2009-11-03T08:56:00.003-05:00

I realized this morning that my body has an embarrassing Pavolvian response to certain things my human says.

No matter how hard I try, I cannot avoid licking my chops whenever she says the following:

"Let's go have breakfast!" (she said this twice this morning to test the theory, and, indeed, I licked my lips both times)

"Are you hungry?"

"Mmmmm peanut butter"

"Who wants a peanut butter kong?"

"Treaty ball!"

"Who wants...DINNER???" (along with the lip licking, I dance to this one)

What else....

"Squirrel!"

"Who wants a bickie?"

"Treat!"

2009-10-29T06:57:00.001-05:00

I'm having my annual end of October sleepover with Cosmos!

My first hour here was a triumph. Managed to cause a whole lotta trouble and keep everyone on their toes.

Aunt Diane thought she had prepared the house for me.

I laugh.

Ha ha.

She clearly forgot about the almost empty tuna can, the yogurt container, the delicious Kleenex in the garbage...I could go on.

Grabbed them all, ran around the house. She chased me, retried the illegal objects, and while her focus was on retrieval, I was plotting my next move.

Eventually she won, handing me a dog toy to play with.

WTF?

I'll see what I can do today...

2009-10-26T17:54:00.000-05:00

Today the human referred to me as diabolical.

She also called me "Muffin".

I confess, I am confused.

If I'm not mistaken, a muffin is a small, cake like baked good humans enjoy. Cozy, yummy, sometimes even cute.

But diabolical?

I am not aware of any diabolical muffins.

Hence my confusion.

Guest Blog: My Human Writes

2009-10-08T09:38:00.006-05:00

Storm is getting older, and our relationship is changing because of it. We’re closer, I think. It’s a calmer, more respectful, more appreciative relationship. My love for her is deeper, and I’m more aware of the little things I love about her.

The smell of her fur, the sound of her breath, her heartbeat.

I love how she greets me when I come home, sometimes with the exuberance of a puppy, sometimes with a gift (stuffed animals, slippers, shoes, socks, you name it), sometimes with the laid back happiness of a tired older girl, but always with joy.

I love that she likes to have a chew on her bacon nyla bone every night before going to sleep.

I love her dog kisses.

I love her insatiable curiosity about her world. It never changes. She wants to sniff, explore, taste everything she encounters.

I love how she cocks her head to the left and right and stares intensely when she’s trying to understand something people are saying, or when I say a word she knows and which excites her.

Like “dinner. And “Adam”. Or “Grandma”.

I love it when we are walking and I glance back at her (she’s almost always behind me now, slowly plodding along) and she’s gazing up at me, for whatever reason.

I love her soft ears.

I love the grey on her chin , and the long grey hairs showing up on her belly.

I love that she protects me, that her instinct to keep our “den” safe is typical of her amazing breed.

I love that, while she apparently wants to beat up almost every dog she meets, she always, always makes an exception for male German shepherds, instead acting like a complete and utterly submissive tramp around them.

I love that she is still like a puppy in some ways, chewing the crotches out of any pants or underwear I’m foolish enough to leave lying around, mangling full toilet paper rolls, breaking into her food cupboard and helping herself to dinner, clearly devising evil schemes in order to subvert the rules and get to food she covets - and, despite what any experts say, demonstrating full awareness that she has done something I will not approve of when busted.

I love how she seems to want to go to bed earlier and earlier now, crying until I turn the TV off and put jazz on the living room stereo, at which point she stands up, ready to head upstairs to bed.

I love it when she wanders around the house with her pink stuffed piggy in her mouth.

And when she carefully examines my wounds before gently licking them, ostensibly helping me to heal (but sometimes making it worse).

I love it when she stacks, that classic German shepherd stance, looking incredibly regal and strong.

I love that no one will break into my home or try to hurt me while she’s around.

I love that she lays down for a morning tummy rub every day, and that sometimes she wags her tail so hard her whole rear end wags.

I love watching her run and roll around in snow.

I love sitting on the rocks by the lake with her leaning against me, both of us gazing out at the water, listening and smelling the air.

I love the way she hunts in the grass for rodents, listening and then pouncing like a coyote.

I love that she has her father’s wide rear end.

I love that, despite her well deserved tough girl rep, her best friend (and unquestioned superior) is twelve year old mutt who dominates Storm without question.

I love coming home to her.

I love that, despite advancing age, her soul is that of a puppy.

I love that she has a boyfriend she clearly adores.

I love that she’s aloof with strangers, but over the top excited about the people she loves.

I love that she does drive by lickings on people who hate being licked, wiggling her butt in joy as she slinks off, apparently knowing full well what she has done.

I love that first moment when we wake up and greet each other every morning.

I love that she doesn’t suffer fools.

I love the way she makes it easy for me to love her, without fear, without hang ups, without any need to disguise or hide how happy she makes me.

I love that she loves me even when I’m hanging around the house in sweatpants and glasses looking like crap.

I love it when she stalks inanimate objects, like bags, or branches, and then acts like she knew it all along.

I love watching her joy when she settles her belly down into a mud puddle, or creek, or lake.

I love that she bites water.

I love it when she howls at sirens, looking at me intensely first, as if she’s saying “Dear god! Do we need to alert everyone!?!?!”

I love hearing the sound of the toilet seat drop as she shows me again and again that putting the seat down is no deterrent to a German shepherd determined to drink out of the toilet.

I love that she picked me when she was four weeks old.

I love that she’s a challenge.

I love her eyes.

And nose.

I just love her.

2009-10-05T12:49:00.003-05:00

It occurred to me the other day while I was peeing on some fox poo that the protocols surrounding different types of poo can be confusing. It has taken me nine years to figure it out. Perhaps it would be helpful to other dogs if I summarize my learnings below.

Accordingly, the following poo protocol synopsis has been developed.

Storm's Poo Protocol Summary

Goose Poo
Eat

Rabbit Poo
Eat

Fox Poo
Dance around, then pee on

Horse poo
Eat

Cow manure
Eat

Pig poo
Eat

Coyote poo
Respect. Don't pee on it. Don't eat it. Sniff it, and give it a wide berth.

Bird poo
Pass

Dog poo
While I realize some dogs may disagree, I say give it a big PASS

Racoon Poo
Eat

Deer Poo
Roll in

I think that covers the poo I frequently encounter. If any of my dog readers are aware of a poo I have omitted, feel free to send the poo and its protocol to me and I would be pleased to add it to the list.

2009-10-02T09:33:00.002-05:00

I had a full day yesterday, thanks to the police.

Wayne picked me up for my daily walk. We went to the park, had a nice leisurely stroll. He brought me home around noon - and couldn't drop me off, because our 'hood was cordoned off with police tape.

I have no idea what was happening, but it meant I got to go on a second walk. Wayne took me with him to pick up Jack and York, and we all went to Bronte together. It was a lot of fun. When Lesli got home, she was in a rush to get me outside. I realized it was because Riley was in the park. Another walk with Riley!

2009-09-30T07:27:00.007-05:00

I love it when the human puts a new roll of toilet paper on before leaving for work.

Helps me to keep busy during the day.

2009-09-22T10:04:00.003-05:00

Just when I thought we were finished with hot, humid weather, we were hit with a rainy, super humid day yesterday. Not good on the old bones!

We got the xray results at the vet. Turns out, my spondylosis has spread to about two thirds of my back, from my shoulders to tailbone. The vertebrae have bridged mid-back (which makes me stiff) but have yet to bridge near my tailbone (which makes me hurt). My one hip is awesome - in great shape, as are my neck, elbows and knees. My other hip has some dysplasia, but it's not horrific. The doctor said that, if she didn't see any dysplasia in a nine year old GSD, she would have been shocked.

That explains the soreness.

Great news is that she doesn't want the human to limit my activity. I need to keep my muscles strong - we just have to learn to listen to my body (ok, I have to learn to listen to my body and refrain from following my basic instinct to run after things when I'm sore).

Kind of a drag to be dealing with spondylosis, but, it is what it is.

The human is trying cartophen shots to see if that helps my discomfort and, if that doesn't work, we'll move on to Metacam. I still get delicious fish oil on my food every day for the Omega 3s too!

I was limping a lot this weekend after a lot of running at Bronte, so we took it easy on the walks.

Made for a rather boring weekend.

2009-09-17T10:20:00.001-05:00

I tried again to eat an acorn yesterday.

Still not very palatable.

Kept it in my mouth for awhile, until the human noticed and took it away so I wouldn't choke on it.

Guess I'll add acorns to the very short list of things I prefer not to consume.

2009-09-13T18:52:00.003-05:00

Yesterday's hike can only be described with one word.

Bliss.

Sure, the weather was perfect. Sunny, a tinge of fall in the air. The leaves at Bronte are starting to change, first signs of red popping out. Squirrels are busy gathering nuts for winter. We parked in Lot F and headed to the creek trail, which meant I was headed for a swim and a romp in the water.

None of those things made the day so blissful, however.

No.

It was the bog mud.

And the pig crap.

I was the dirtiest I think I've ever been, and I loved it.

She didn't notice I had lept from the boardwalk in the bog until it was too late. The mud was so thick, I was sinking and had trouble walking. I rolled around in it to ensure I was thoroughly covered - even mashed my face into it. When I came up, my head was caked in dark bog mud. I couldn't see! So, I stumbled over to some marsh grasses and ran my face through it, clearing my eyes and nose.

Euphoric, I climbed back onto the boardwalk, caked from head to toe in thick, stinky bog mud.

Just to ensure the human didn't miss out on the experience, I shook, covering her from head to toe in black splotches.

She was wearing a white t-shirt. She appeared to be thrilled.

We made our merry way toward the creek. I ran the last few feet and flung myself with joy into a deep part of the water. Billows of black mud spread out around me. I chased a few sticks, played in the water with a 6-month old German shepherd whose name escapes me, and, once satiated, pounced into some tall grasses to roll around.

The mud on my body was less striking by now, but my head was still nice and thick with it, so my roll in the grass accessorized my wet furry bod with various grasses and burrs.

We continued the hike, me, prancing proudly, her, well, laughing, shaking her head, that sort of thing.

I suppose she thought I was finished.

However, we had yet to reach the pig barn.

Once we did, I flopped down for a nice roll in some pig poo.

My ensemble complete, I settled into the front seat of the car (editor's note: on her waterproof seat cover, all four car windows open wide, human gagging) and surveyed my world proudly as we drove home.

That, my friends, is true bliss.

2009-09-08T13:22:00.003-05:00

I'm aging.

There's no denying it.

More often on our walks, I sit down and I don't want to move for awhile.

Sometimes, I lie down in the grass to rest.

My joints ache when I get up in the morning, and when I rise up after a nap.

I sleep more, and like to go to bed earlier than before.

My snout is more gray, and there are gray hairs showing up on my ears and belly now.

If I run, I'm sore for a few days afterward.

Lesli's taking me for xrays this week so they can try to figure out why I walk so slowly, limp sometimes, and have taken to lying down for rests on our strolls. They'll try medications or whatever to ease any discomfort I'm having because of getting older.

But the reality is, I'm a nine year old German shepherd - not a puppy anymore. So I'm going to show signs of age.

As hard as it is for my human to accept, I'm not going to live forever. My life will be shorter than hers, and she cannot stop it. I'll continue to slow down. Our walks will become strolls - they'll be shorter but take just as long as they used to when we covered miles and miles of territory. I won't run as much - and when I do run, I'll pay for it. My joy in life will take on more of a quiet grace than reckless abandon. Sleep will become more precious and common to me.

All of that is ok - the way it's supposed to be.

I wish I could tell her it's ok. I'm grateful to her for her continued efforts to make me comfortable - but really, all I need is healthy food, plenty of time to rest, some nice strolls with different scenery and smells to enjoy and the steady companionship and love I've come to count on with her.

With that, we'll both be just fine.

2009-08-24T14:58:00.003-05:00

I was at my devious, intelligent best at grandma and grandpa's this weekend.

After dinner, while they were all relaxing inside the house, Piper and I sniffed the recently used bbq. It smelled amazing. We licked a few of the utensils. He appeared to be satisfied with that. I wanted more.

More, more, more more.

My superior intelligence enabled me to remove the dripping pan from below the bbq. This pan catches fat and meat juices. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. (along with a lot of charcoal and black stuff).

I carried the pan away from the bbq and ate every last bit of the black stuff inside it.

They eventually busted me, but I had already consumed the contents of the drip pan, so, whatever.

The barfing started around 11pm. First I barfed on the carpet (grandma wasn't too pleased that I puked charcoal all over her beige carpet). Then I barfed on the floor. Then on Piper's dog bed.

I continued to barf on Sunday, and some more early this morning.

Lesli worked at home with me today so she could make sure I was ok. She figured all was fine - my body was rejecting the crap I shoved into it, just as it should - but she wanted to watch me just in case (and clean her carpets immediately after I barfed on them).

Apparently, she doesn't want our beige carpet to have black splotches on it.

I don't see what the big deal is.

Anyway, I've been barf-free since around 10:30 this morning.

Would I do it again?

Absolutely!

2009-08-16T19:20:00.002-05:00

(insert your favourite circus or late show announcer voice here)

And now, for today's gastronomical adventure...

Today I tried to eat (drum roll please)...

A wasp.

That's right, the yellow backed, flying, stinging little bastard got in the way of my mouth as I was going down for a "must get this damned Gentle Leader off my face" roll. So I tried to eat it.

Jesus, was that a mistake.

I tried to spit it out.

Not so easy.

It thrashed around in there, buzzing and causing all sorts of trouble until I eventually expelled it from my mouth (while the human tried to pry my mouth open, concerned by the ridiculous and never-before-seen behaviour I was exhibiting).

Won't be trying wasp anytime again soon.

2009-08-15T20:01:00.001-05:00

Tried eating an acorn today. Not so tasty.

2009-08-14T07:13:00.005-05:00

What a surprise for me this morning - the human's friend gave me a birthday gift - a big rawhide bone!

I had to shake a paw, other paw, then give the human a kiss this morning. I knew I was working for something and, as soon as I completed the tasks successfully, she handed me a package. I proceeded to open it - able to smell the rawhide through the wrapping and so excited.

Once it was revealed, I carried it around the house for awhile, crying, trying to figure out what exactly I must do with it.

There was really only ever one option.

It must be buried.

But where?

I searched inside the house but found no suitable burial locations.

So I moved my search outside, dropping the rawhide at the doorway to wait while I looked.

The suitable burial spot has still not been located.

I'm resting now, preparing to head back out to continue the search later today.

2009-08-11T13:40:00.003-05:00

We had a really nice walk last night.

The day was very hot, but the evening cooled down just enough to make it a perfect summer night.

We started off for our usual trek along the lake, walking slowly over to the park and skirting the shoreline, looking for squirrels and groundhogs and any other potential meals in the form of small mammals.

Near Burloak, we climbed down to the rocks and started to walk along those. I sniffed for voles, the human just looked around.

When we reached our "favourite" rock, she sat down. I stood for a minute, then joined her, sitting with my back up against her side while I sniffed the air. I eventually gave in and laid down on the rock beside her, continuing to sniff the air and keep my eye on the area surrounding us. Ducks swam by, gulls flew over head, a few geese went by.

Quite a nice way to spend an evening.

2009-08-09T18:25:00.004-05:00

Another birthday is almost over.

My 9th was a hot one, filled with amazing raw stewing beef for dinner, a kibble-filled cupcake, a swim in the lake (followed by a birthday bath) and a close call with a groundhog.

It's over 40 degrees with the humidex, and when we walked outside it felt like walking into a bowl of soup. My swim was extra special since it was so hot. In addition, there was a delectable flock of geese very near to the shore. I considered going after them, and began to swim in their direction; however, midway through I reconsidered given the amount of energy it would have taken to catch them and returned to shore.

Happily, there was no "happy birthday to Boo" song this year.

At nine, she is finally showing me some respect.

2009-08-03T10:15:00.013-05:00

Today I got to see where my human goes during the week.

First, we went through the Second Cup drive though on the way to work, like she does every morning. She got a cafe mocha. I got a dog treat. We continued on to her office, which is in an old house in Hamilton. I was pretty excited - always fun going to new places. We parked, I sniffed the front porch, and then we went in. She showed me around - I checked out all the offices, the kitchen and the bathroom. I also conducted a thorough investigation of all garbage cans. Some were disappointing, but one or two proved to be fruitful.

I played with my treaty ball for awhile, had a snooze, went for a nice walk on the grounds surrounding her office, sat in the shade under a big tree and generally had an interesting morning.

There are tons of squirrels and chipmunks at her work. She's so lucky. If I worked there, I know for sure I'd NEVER get any work done (unless you consider ridding the premises of rodents work - then I'd be a super effective worker).

Think I'll have another sleep now.

2009-07-27T19:28:00.004-05:00

Seventeen days since I last posted?

Wow. Sorry about that.

I've been feeling pretty lazy lately. Even though it hasn't been a hot summer, I'm kicking back, not doing much. Going for my daily walks (or crawls...feeling my age lately), snoozing on the nice, cool floor, stealing things from the garbage, eating goose poo and toilet paper rolls. Nothing new or exciting.

I did get a new collar on Friday. Frankly, it really pissed me off at first. It goes around my snout, to give the human pain-free (for me) power steering, and to protect my neck and back from corrections (as if I, innocent, sweet German shepherd that I am, would ever need correcting). At first, I despised it. Tried to get it off, thrashed around like a trout. However, it quickly became apparent that whenever I showed signs of accepting it and behaving, I received a piece of kibble. So I behave more often now. I even let a cyclist go by me on the sidewalk without attempting to murder him on Saturday (and received a yummy kibble in return).

More soon. Gotta rest my weary bones. I hurt lately - human and vet are trying to figure out why.

2009-07-10T07:06:00.004-05:00

Memo

To: Chipmunks
From: Storm
Date: July 7, 2009
Subject: Recommendation/solution

Over the years, I have seen many examples which lead me to conclude that you are, as a species, prone to both daredevil-like behaviour and suicidal tendencies. You run out onto the road in front of cars, timing it so that the hapless driver has no chance to stop, thus ensuring a quick and effective end to your lives. You repeatedly dart across paths, tails raised, squeaking, taunting me and daring me to catch you.

Today, however, one of your kind exhibited truly unique and, in my estimation, brilliant behaviour when he literally jumped directly into my mouth.

I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.

He has now died, and gone to heaven.

So, chipmunks everywhere, if you're feeling blue, suicidal, or thinking you'd like to become the Evil Knievel of the rodent world, I strongly suggest more of you use the method employed by the chipmunk noted above.

2009-07-06T20:11:00.001-05:00

I peed on a bale of hay tonight.

That was new.

2009-07-03T20:10:00.000-05:00

Great hike at Bronte tonight.

Sniffed, explored - and peed on - my world.

Life is good.

2009-07-03T09:35:00.002-05:00

It's been a busy few days since I posted last.

Later that evening - I think it was Tuesday - Eli and Zac showed up at the den. About half an hour after that, there was a knock on the door. I was already ecstatic, and wondered, who else could be coming to visit the den?

OMG.

O.M.G.

It was ADAM!!!!! (and Nikki, who I also love).

My favourite human ever was there! I haven't seen him since Christmas. God, was I happy - it was difficult to fully express my joy. I pasted my ears to my head, wiggled every possible part of my body, brought gifts. Just so happy.

They all barbequed. I begged, got attention, you know, the usual.

The next day wasn't as fun. The human cut me while she was trimming my nails. I bled for about 45 minutes. Oblivious to this, I continued to move freely around the house, on the beige carpets. She finally managed to stop me and forced me to lie down while holding pressure on my nail and expressing a good deal of regret and guilt. I did my best to show her that I really didn't hold it against her.

Once I stopped bleeding, we met Cosie and Diane at Bronte and hiked a new area. Plenty of new smells to investigate with my BFF.

I was a bit sore and slow yesterday - not sure if it's my nail or arthritis. The weather has been rainy, so it could be my bones.

2009-06-30T10:30:00.001-05:00

My human has not had a good sleep the past few nights. Her fault.

She caved last week and let me sleep on the bed with her one night.

As if I'd forget that.

Now, every night, I sit by the edge of the bed and cry. When she eventually wakens and opens her eyes to see my giant ears facing her, peeking over the top of the bed, she knows what she's done. She pats my bed, says "Boo boo, come over here".

I ignore her and continue my bedside vigil.

It's not until she actually gets out of bed and comes over to lead me to my own bed that I give in.

Haven't decided how many nights I'll continue my vigil yet.

2009-06-25T07:15:00.000-05:00

I love peanut butter mornings.

Today I got to lick the almost-empty peanut butter jar while the human made her cafe mocha.

Next, I had my usual little smudge of peanut butter on her breakfast plate once she was finished.

Somehow, I can't help but think that is a very good way to start the day.

2009-06-23T11:41:00.001-05:00

Hot days are not my thing.

Neither are hot nights.

I prefer spring, fall, winter to summer. My coat is beyond thick and black. Go outside in a black outfit and coat on a hot day, and you'll begin to get a sense of why I dislike hot sunny days.

Yesterday was one of those days. The human let me have an early morning swim on our 5:30 am walk. Sleep was hard to come by last night, even with the air conditioner on. I panted so hard.

Ugh.

2009-06-22T07:07:00.003-05:00

I had a party yesterday!

Diane and Cosmos showed up at our house to go for a walk late yesterday afternoon. I was totally beside myself with happiness. We headed out for a walk along the lake, and guess who we met on our way?

Riley! And Gary!

We all walked together. Sniffed stuff together, peed on things together. My human was going to let me have a swim because it was hot. Usually Riley doesn't come down to the lake, but he did yesterday. He was funny - he wasn't really too sure what to do at the water. I ran straight in, bit the water, rolled around, swam, shook. Riley kind of tested things out on the shore, played with algae and rocks and eventually came into the water a bit. Cosmos got her paws wet, I think - that is usually the extent of her involvement with water. We all romped and played in our own way down there. Riley dug up a big rock, and carried it up to the grass in his mouth.

He is SUCH a man. Ahhhhhhhh.

We continued along, two of us wet, one nice and clean and dry.

Usually we split up by Riley's house. He goes home, we continue along the sidewalk to our house.

Yesterday, though, this did not happen. He came with us.

All the way into my yard!

I couldn't believe it! Riley came to my house!

Riley, Cosie and I wandered around, checked out toys and bones, had a drink and generally had a good time.

Riley made up a game. My human put a big bowl of water in the yard for him (since Gary was in the yard, Riley was in the yard - he never strays far from his dad, so, the water had to come to him).

He self-played with his tennis ball back there, eventually coming up with this game where he would drop the ball into his water dish, fish it out, carry it across the patio, drop it, chase it while it rolled, catch it, and take it back to drop into the water bowl. Then he'd do it again.

He appeared to enjoy this game.

Wtf?

I don't get it.

But, whatever, I was still just glad he and Cosie were over hanging at my place.

My peeps.

2009-06-08T13:11:00.002-05:00

I was a bad girl yesterday. I had a good time being a bad girl.

My misbehaviour began at the QEW and Northshore Rd, after having been packed into the car and driven along Lakeshore. I realized at this point that we were most likely heading somewhere really fun, and, unable to clearly detrmine where we were headed, decided barking my brains out, smearing the passenger side windshield with dog snot in the process and trying to climb out of the car via the dashboard would be a good way to release the pent up energy inside me. I was not aware the human had a headache, which made her slightly more intolerant of my ridiculous behaviour.

"Storm, sit!" she commanded.

I sat.

For about five seconds, before my ass popped up again and I resumed my attempt to climb out of the front windshield. And so it continued all the way to the RBG parking lot.

"Storm, sit!"

"Storm, SIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

We arrived at the RBG and found Diane and Cosmos. My human rolled down her car window, uttered something to Diane in frustration and next thing I know I'm being unceremoniously dumped into Diane's van. All good with me - Cosie was there, and it was fun. The part where she shut the door on my tail? Not so fun. I wasn't hurt.

The four of us went for a walk at Coote's Paradise. Paradise is a good word for it. That place is oozing chipmunks and squirrels. Seriously, I have never seen so many. I tried to chase all of them, nearly pulling the human over a few times. She tried to slow me down, stop me. I ignored her. Later in the hike, I nearly yanked her into a small creek, and into the lake during an attempt to chase down a couple of swans. By the time we were heading back to the car and I nearly yanked her down a hill while chasing a chipmunk, she was beyond mad at me. I had to do a down stay. I got up before she told me to - that got me into even more trouble.

It was worth it. I had SO much fun - swam, chased stuff, sniffed, explored, hung with my BFF.

I slept the rest of the day.

2009-06-06T07:14:00.002-05:00

I went to the groomer yesterday.

Also known as the canine version of Guantanamo Bay.

At first when we went into the pet store, a place I adore, I was happy. I tried to eat pig's ears piled up in a box and apparently free for the taking. Attempted to gnaw on a roasted marrow bone sticking out from a display, and had a general sniff around the place.

Things changed rapidly. Next thing I know, the human was handing over the leash to the groomer - who started to make me walk away from my human, which confused and upset me. I started to cry out, assuming my human would respond and rescue me.

Instead, she walked out the door.

I was led to the back, where I spent the better part of four hours being washed (or waterboarded from my perspective), poked, prodded, snipped and stuffed into a jail cell.

Surely there is a law against this kind of canine torture practice?

After a few hours I was sprung from the cell and led to the front. I spotted my human and bolted to her before anyone could catch me and take me back to the torture chamber.

Little did I know, the worst was yet to come.

Apparently I emerged all "cute and fluffy and delicious smelling". I am still being mauled on a regular basis.

I've got to roll in something gross very soon and put an end to this cuddling bull****.

2009-05-28T05:29:00.002-05:00

My boyfriend was hit by a car!

He's ok, thank god.

He was playing catch with his ball in his favourite park across the street, saw two dogs across the street and, quite uncharacteristically, decided to run across to say hello to them. His dad yelled at him to stay, no no avail. Off Riley went, onto Lakeshore Rd. He was hit by an SUV. The man stopped, apologized to Gary, said he tried hard to avoid Riley. Gary told him it was not his fault - it was his fault that Riley was off leash and ran into the street. When Riley went onto the road - at rush hour - his dad's heart was in his throat.

Amazingly, all that happened is a small abraision on the inside of one of Riley's legs.

He is truly incredible.

I love him even more now.

2009-05-23T07:31:00.003-05:00

I have a message to deliver.

I know we have language issues. I will try to make this as simple and clear as possible.

Stay away from my bum.

All of you.

Don't touch my bum.

Don't lift up my tail to look at my bum.

Don't stick fingers or thermometers into my bum.

If my anal glands are clogged, leave the damned things alone. I'll suffer.

Don't talk about my bum.

Just leave my bum alone.

Seriously. I've had it with all of you.

Got it?

2009-05-20T06:16:00.002-05:00

There is a field at Bronte that, around this time of year, is like a little slice of heaven. Whenever we hike in May, we stop in this field. If it's windy, you can see the tall grass blowing with the wind, and smell thousands of amazing scents in the air.

We stopped in our field last night during a twilight hike. The human laid down in the grass. I licked her face, then, surrounded by super fat blades of spring grass, feasted on the buffet around me. Once I'd filled my belly, I kicked back, put my nose up and sniffed the air. Whenever the wind changed, the scents changed.

I love that field.

2009-05-16T19:22:00.002-05:00

Hello readers! One tired out German shepherd here. I ran a bit too much today, given that my arthritis is bugging me. Couldn't help it - we got to Bronte and Diane and Cosie were there - happy, happy happy! We had a great walk, played in the creek, I rolled in some mud (Cosmos is such a lady - she tiptoed through it), and met a few dogs. Good times. On our last walk of the day, I saw Riley again and we walked together. Now I'm home and pretty damned tired. And smelly.

Had a rather humiliating experience the other night. I was tired after a day of hiking and sleeping, and was snoozing over by the loveseat, upside down with my ass exposed for the world to see. The human came down to the floor to snuggle me (ugh) and, well, I think I farted but I'm not sure. This totally intense smell started coming from my butt. Next thing I know, the human is examining my ass. I kept snoozing. She got up, went into the kitchen - and I heard water running.

That is generally not a good sign.

I stood up in order to facilitate a quick escape if necessary.

It was futile. The human came out of the kitchen holding a wash cloth. I could smell shampoo on it. She lifted up my tail and - jesus - cleaned my ass. It was SO humiliating.

Some days...but, hey, I smell petal fresh now.

2009-05-07T07:00:00.001-05:00

I ran into Riley on my morning walk today - what a surprise! Even he was excited. He usually plays it cool with me, but this morning, he ran toward me and was all playful. We circled each other, did a few play bows, I ran back and forth around him and then we all walked together around the neighbourhood. He peed on things, then I peed on top of his pee after assessing it. We stopped together at my favourite spring grass eating spot, and Lesli fed us both really good spring grass (sometimes it's hard to get to so she helps out). Great way to start my day.

I hear, however, that things may go downhill. I believe the human told Riley's human something about a visit to the vet this morning and anal glands.

This does not please me.

2009-05-03T11:30:00.003-05:00

Totally awesome weekend. Got to play with my BFF Cosmos yesterday at Bronte! She brought a new guy with her, Sky. He's big - he's a wolf/malamute cross and is totally cool. I liked him right away. We have a lot in common - we both like to lay down in muddy puddles, swim in everything and we both sometimes go from being happy and playful to suddenly aggressive. One thing we do not have in common - he listens to his human when he's told to stop. I just keep fighting until someone pulls me off. We ran and played and laid in puddles, went down to the creek (where I took a little ride in the current but got out ok). The three of us played like puppies down there. I was so tired out, I didn't even ask for my evening walk. Just slept.

I was a bit sore this morning after all that running and frolicking, so we did an on-leash hike this morning. We went up to Burns Conservation Area for the first time in over a year - plenty of new smells, tons of fresh water to lay in and bite, a lake to swim in. I had a lot of fun. The bath afterward? Not so much fun. Apparently I "earned" it because I shook in the car. Whatever.

I just finished doing the crazy wet dog thing, running all over the house and jumping on beds. Time for a nap.

2009-04-30T19:24:00.003-05:00

You know how I've written about ways to torture your human - eating dead stuff, making them pull it out of your mouth after they try shaking your head with your mouth open to make it fall out, etc.?

Well, that was minor league.

I hit the holy grail of grossing the humans out on our walk last night.

That's right.

Even made a tough, retired cop feel like barfing.

Wanna know how to do it?

It's easy - and delicious.

Suck back a big pile of fresh entrails - and let them figure out how to get THOSE out of your mouth.

That's right! A tasty delicacy, combined with the side splitting entertainment of watching your humans squirm in panic and disgust.

I guarantee, you will not be disappointed.

My human ended up stepping on the intestines, breaking them off so I couldn't finish the whole serving.

But what I got....mmmmmmmmm......amazingly tasty. Once in a lifetime treat. Right there, in a park on Lakeshore.

2009-04-26T19:42:00.001-05:00

Tell me, what kind of idiot would take me a little way into a building in which about 20 rabbits were living and then be surprised when I showed no intention whatsoever of leaving?

The rest of the hike yesterday was great. Plenty of vole hunting (though no success), swam after a mallard who, I think, was protecting his nest, smelled tons of fresh spring stuff, tried to chase a few squirrels (leash got in the way) and generally had myself a great time. I even managed to snag a bit of cow manure when we wandered over to the Children's Farm.

But that bunny fiasco, man, that was a rotten way to leave it.

The disappointment was indescribable.

Oh, and get this - on Friday, we went for an off leash hike at the other side of Bronte after work. I was beyond happy - I ran and played and expressed every last ounce of happiness in my soul. When we got there, this GIANT dog - and I do mean giant, he is a mix between a Great Dane and a St. Bernard - developed a bit of a crush on me and started trying to hump me.

Rather like me trying to hump a Yorkie, if you want a sense of the size comparison.

With my back, ain't gonna happen. Tried to tell him off but he'd just bounce right back.

In the end, the human and I wandered off and he forgot all about me.

2009-04-11T19:34:00.002-05:00

I channeled my inner wild canid this morning during our hike at Bronte and did some vole hunting in the dry meadow grasses. Quite fulfilling. I even did some pointing. Listened...standing very still...for the sound of vole movement in the grasses below me...when I heard them, I lept into the air and came down fast on my front paws. Didn't catch anything, but the hunt was excellent just the same.

Also went for two lovely swims in the mallard pond, longingly stared at a few squirrels, unable to chase them because of my leash, met a nice 12-year old yellow lab and barked in the car while the human built a protective barrier around a killdeer "nest" (I use the term lightly since killdeer are really crappy nest builders, preferring to lay their eggs in gravel or on rocks) set right in the middle of the parking lot.

Overall, I give this day an "A".

2009-04-05T19:41:00.002-05:00

What a great day! Drove home from grandma's early this morning, and, after barking at some giant windmills that were threatening our car, I snoozed the whole way, much of that time with my head on my human's lap.

When we got to Burlington, we stopped at Second Cup and then I could sense indecision in the human. Should we go home...should we go to Bronte...she didn't have my muzzle so no off-leash romp...what to do...about 3 minutes from the park, she made a decision and pulled in. It was a beautiful, sunny day - the kind of day a girl doesn't need to be off leash to have a good time.

Oh, did I have a good time.

We walked all over the park on different trails. I swam in a pond, tried to chase a pair of mallards until my leash kicked in. I played in so many spring puddles I lost track. Rolled in fresh grass, hunted moles and listened to frogs singing. There was a huge assortment of new smells and sounds where we walked today, and it was fantastic. I finished the hike off with a final dip in the mallard pond and a final mole hunt near the parking lot.

Got home, checked out the house to ensure all was in order since we had been away. Satisfied, I headed for the backyard and dried off in the sun.

One of those days it's just plain awesome to walk this earth.

2009-04-03T16:34:00.001-05:00

I made a discovery during a very rainy, muddy walk at Bronte late this afternoon.

It is impossible to bonk a mole to death with a muzzle.

2009-03-31T20:09:00.001-05:00

Ohhhhh so sick yesterday. I was so desperate I went to the bathroom on the carpet. Hate doing that. Tried so hard not to, but, lacking opposable thumbs and therefore the ability to open the back door to let myself out, I had no choice but to go on the carpet upstairs. The human was very understanding, and, after about 40 minutes of work, appears to have returned the carpet to its original condition. I had to go out lots during the night, so neither of us got much sleep. Today, I made it through - partially because of the lack of food. Nothing but rice today, bland but I suppose my stomach is grateful.

Poor me.

2009-03-29T08:28:00.002-05:00

More spring grass this morning! I found a great patch of the stuff and ate the whole thing. Barfed it up ten minutes later on somebody's lawn, but that doesn't matter - it was worth it. So delicious.

Yesterday was a blast. We went to Bronte - I hadn't been all week so I was particularly excited and started barking well before we arrived at the park. We saw Oreo, and a couple of labs (labs are, sorry to say, so lame....I like picking on them). Paris and Boscoe came too. We usually just walk along the trail together, we don't play much. Not today! Paris, Boscoe and I ran and ran in the creek, chased each other around, did tons of play bows and acted like a pack of German shepherd puppies. We got covered in mud and made total messes of ourselves while the humans watched (they seemed resigned to it). It was just awesome. I felt like a puppy yesterday. A good day to be alive.

It's raining today, but I think we're heading to the off leash park soon regardless. I'll be a happy disaster once we're finished.

2009-03-28T07:21:00.000-05:00

I had my first spring grass of 2009 on my walk last night! Ok, so, the blades were about two inches long and the human had to find them for me. That doesn't mean it was any less wonderful. I keep checking my favourite spot for spring grass - none is up yet, but the human tells me it will be there soon.

One of the many joys of life, noshing on yummy fresh grass.

We're heading out soon to meet up with Paris and Boscoe for an off leash party at Bronte. I havent' seen Cosie in awhile - hopefully will get to see her soon. I miss her.

2009-03-08T19:00:00.004-05:00

I noticed the other day that I now have little flecks of grey appearing on my ears.

I'm getting older. And wiser.

Time has taught me some valuable life lessons.

"Dogs" that weigh under 20 pounds are not, in fact, dogs. They are snacks.

Spring is the best time to eat goose poo. Great combo of fresh and cured frozen winter poo.

You cannot afford to be complacent in the car. Threats are everywhere; always protect the car.

Toilet paper can be eaten while still on the wall; no need to wait to raid the garbage for the empty roll.

Puddles are little pools of joy and should be jumped in, run through, and generally enjoyed at every possible opportunity, no matter what your age or how bad your back is.

Joggers are evil.

Rollerbladers and skateboarders are worse.

When you eat grass, it sometimes makes it hard to get the poo out of your bum.

Cats never lose their allure as prey.

Barking is fun and should be done as often as possible.

If you're on the furniture while the humans are out, always be alert so you can hop off quickly and not get caught.

Chasing provincial park trucks and vehicles is super fun.

You cannot smush dead rodents into your mouth through a muzzle. Don't bother trying.

Snow = joy. Don't ever forget it.

If you have a dog seatbelt on, hang your head out the open car window and bark at cows; you can cause mini-stampedes and it's really fun.

Greyhounds and whippets are hard to catch unless you can outsmart them. And that ain't hard.

Don't steal food that has chipotle peppers in it.

Your pack is everything.

Humans are imperfect, but still worth loving.

2009-03-03T07:23:00.001-05:00

I had a bath on Sunday after our hike.

I do not like baths.

It's not because I don't like water. I love water. I love puddles, creeks, lakes, rivers, any body of water, small or large, draws me in. I love to bite it, eat it, lay in it, roll in it.

Water and I, we're cool.

So why don't I like baths?

Because I come out all fluffy. Soft. Pretty-smelling.

And that, my dear readers, makes it impossible for the human to resist petting and hugging me.

The past few days?

Hell.

Torture.

Days filled with "puppy hugs". Random touching. Sniffing of my fur. Exclamations of "ohhhhhhh you are soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cute".

You'd hate baths too if that's what happened after them.

2009-03-01T09:02:00.002-05:00

Strange morning yesterday. The human indicated that it was time to get into the car, which, on any given weekend morning means we are headed for a hike. I stepped up to the passenger side of the car and noticed a large envelope on the floor. I sniffed it. Coudn't figure out what that scent was...took me a few minutes of intense sniffing before I realized. It was the smell of....the VET!! They were xrays. I immediately exited the car. To hell with that - I signed up for a hike, not torture.

The human laughed (so insulting) and insisted I get into the car. We drove toward the off leash park, so I got all excited. Perhaps I had been mistaken?

An unexpected left turn shut me up.

We parked, and went into a very nice place that has food. I smelled it immediately and headed straight for the food shelves. Met a very nice woman upon entering the building, and then Dr. Honda came out and said hi to me. I liked her immediately (and not just because she had food in her pockets), gave her some Storm kisses. We spent quite a bit of time together. She felt my legs, back, hips. It felt good, actually. Kind of like a massage. Wasn't so thrilled with her looking into my ears, but I let her. And then she put me in a headlock and someone stuck a needle in me. I forgave her...more kisses. I think she' s my new vet, and sense she'll be a good ally as I move into my senior years.

Met a four month old Doberman named Kato yesterday. He had massive paws! We had a good time on our hike.