I went to the groomer yesterday.

Also known as the canine version of Guantanamo Bay.

At first when we went into the pet store, a place I adore, I was happy. I tried to eat pig's ears piled up in a box and apparently free for the taking. Attempted to gnaw on a roasted marrow bone sticking out from a display, and had a general sniff around the place.

Things changed rapidly. Next thing I know, the human was handing over the leash to the groomer - who started to make me walk away from my human, which confused and upset me. I started to cry out, assuming my human would respond and rescue me.

Instead, she walked out the door.

I was led to the back, where I spent the better part of four hours being washed (or waterboarded from my perspective), poked, prodded, snipped and stuffed into a jail cell.

Surely there is a law against this kind of canine torture practice?

After a few hours I was sprung from the cell and led to the front. I spotted my human and bolted to her before anyone could catch me and take me back to the torture chamber.

Little did I know, the worst was yet to come.

Apparently I emerged all "cute and fluffy and delicious smelling". I am still being mauled on a regular basis.

I've got to roll in something gross very soon and put an end to this cuddling bull****.