Thursday, May 31, 2007

Dog for Sale

Black German shepherd. Six years old. Female. Spayed.

Likes food, squirrels, running around the house when wet.

And shaking in new cars after swimming in muddy creeks.

Serious offers only.

(ps...I thought the car looked nice after I was finished...Lesli's white t-shirt looked better covered in mud. So did the car windows. And dashboard. And driver's side door. And passenger side door. And...well, there really weren't many unaffected areas. I rock.)

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Mr. Bunny

We see this bunny every single morning on our walk - he is always in the same general area, a tiny parkette at the corner of Burloak and Lakeshore. There were a few mornings when Mr. Bunny was with a friend sitting in the grass, but not long after the two of them started hanging out, we saw a bunny lying on Lakeshore Road near the parkette. Since then, Mr. Bunny has been on his own.

So, every morning at about 5:45 am, we approach the intersection of Burloak and Lakeshore, and Lesli says something about seeing Mr. Bunny. And sure enough, we see him. Sometimes in front of the brush. Sometimes sitting in the middle of the park, ears up, listening and watching. Sometimes by the time we approach he has already sensed us, and if he is in a position which affords no escape, he is like a statue - completely still, ears plastered to his head, watching us as we move by.

If he is close to the bushes, he runs - and I get an awesome chase of out it. He did that this morning. It was great. He got away, but it was still a fun chase.

The one morning he wasn't there, we worried.

But he was back the next day.

Our pal, Mr. Bunny.

I'd love to eat him.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Dog Hell: Chapter 1

Being stuck in a car for two and a half hours with no means of escape.

While your human sings to seventies music.

Frampton. The Stones. Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. Gilbert Sullivan.

The Partridge Family...

Helen Reddy.

I swear.

"I am woman hear me numbers to big to ignore...and I know too much to go back and pretend"

The next time she writes here that we are going to Kincardine, please, please - somebody help me.

Call in the SWAT team. Dog in hostage situation. Something.

Just save me.

Writer's note: Go ahead. Call the SWAT team.

Friday, May 25, 2007

It's a Real, Live Miracle

That's what she's telling everyone.

She finally found something I won't eat.

Two or three times when she came out of Second Cup with a cafe mocha with lots of foam on the top, she let me lick the top and try the foam. I got it on my face, on the dashboard. But I tried it.

In fairness, I do eat everything...even blood oranges. Trust me...EVERYTHING.

Except this foam crap.

She offered it to me yesterday. I sniffed. Remembered...turned my face away.

Thinking this was an anomaly, she did it again this morning.

Sniffed...turned my face away again.

That's when she started emailing and calling people.


It's really hot today. Best way to deal with these days is to be very, very lazy. Drink a lot of water. Sleep lots. Walk slowly. Just be lazy. Trust me on this.

I think we're going to see Bristol and Piper in Kincardine this weekend!

Thursday, May 24, 2007

To Pee, or Not to Pee. That IS the Question.

I was walking at Bronte Park with Bella last night. She is a ten month old German shepherd. Tan and black. I like her - we had some good play. I showed her the mud puddle at the end of the little creek that has dried up - when we came out, we both looked great. We even had mud on our faces!

Bella peed a few times during our walk, so I had to check it out and determine whether I needed to pee on top of hers. And it was, in fact, required for each pee. I didn't need to go back to check after I peed - I was satisfied that I had left my mark effectively.

Sometimes, I sniff a pole, tree or other common p-mail spots and determine that I do not need to leave my mark.

Sometimes, I sniff and determine that the spot is pee worthy.

It's not just spots where other dogs have left messages that sometimes need to be marked. Coyote poo, for example, does not require my input. But fox poo does.

I'm a girl, but I can still pee up a pole. I employ my patented Three Legged Pee technique. It's impressive.

When something is pee-worthy, I ensure I leave my mark.

Sometimes, I'm satisfied immediately and can continue on my way. Other times, I need to go back and check out what I've left there to make sure it's satisfactory before I leave. On rare occasions, I need to scratch the ground a bit to ensure my scent is right in there.


Can't tell you.

Dog secret.

Would have to kill you.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

The Goose is on to Something...

LAY DOWN while you eat.

Isn't that brilliant?

Just lay there and relax while you stretch your neck out to eat grass. I could do that.

What a great way to combine laziness and relaxation with my favourite pastime of stuffing my face.

Had a good roll in the grass early this morning. Humans should do that. It feels incredible. Fresh, spring grass on your back, the early morning sky above you. Nothing like it in the world.

Also saw Riley, this totally hot shepherd, this morning. I wiggled for him. Hope he noticed.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Walking with Humans

Holy crap, was Lesli acting like a freak on our walk tonight. We'd be walking along, everything normal - I was sniffing things, she was looking around at flowers and yapping about seeing bunnies or something. All of a sudden, she'd start waving her hands around in front of her face. Or, she was Muhammed Ali ducking an oncoming punch.

Except, there was nothing coming at her.

I tried to pretend I didn't notice at first.

Looked around, hoping that, despite the leash, people would think I wasn't associated with the freak beside me.

Kept my head up. Looked as stunning as ever. Begging everyone through my body language "plesae, don't judge me by my human".

She kept doing it. Ducking. Swatting the air.

And then I figured it out - HUGE swarms of little bugs! At human level!

Still...even though there was a good was pretty damned embarrassing.

She's working tonight - went into the city today and left me on my own for awhile. It's strange when she leaves now. We're together so much. I like being together. But I also like my routine.

Get up, big stretch, walk, pee, poo, chase bunnies, go to water, chase geese, walk through park, chase squirrels, come home, collar off, same words every morning "ok boo boo, ready for breakfast???", eat breakfast like it's my last meal, lick plate with peanut butter on it, curl up beside Lesli while she watches the morning news, endure kiss on nose when she goes up for shower, nap upstairs while she works or nap downstairs while I wait for Kim, my dog walker. Walk again, chase more things. Come home. Nap. Greet Lesli when she gets home. Eat dinner. Walk. Nap. Endure "Boo boo, ready for night nights?". Every...single...night. Get help up onto bed. Take over bed. Sleep.


Monday, May 21, 2007

German shepherd: 0 Chipmunks: 5,000

Ok, let's be a little more realistic here. If I wasn't a dog, and didn't have to rely on Ms. Exaggeration 2007 to type my blog, the title would have been more like:

"German shepherd: Hunting Goddess...Chipmunks: Too many near misses to count"

We went for a long hike this morning at Rattlesnake Point. It was beautiful. Like being in the middle of a sea of green, with birds singing all around us, small white moths floating just above the ground. We went early, so the only sounds we heard were the sounds of the forest. No noisy humans around that early.

But, man, were there chipmunks. Everywhere I turned, chipmunks.

And I chased 'em all. Every last one of them.

Many ended up with a clean getaway (although if it wasn't for the leash, fate might have smiled upon me...).

Some of them ran and chirped like crazy, telling their neighbours that evil approached.

But a few mentally challenged chipmunks - god, was I close.

One ran out from the leaves right under my belly. I was sniffing a plant, and all of a sudden...WHOOSH - out comes this chipmunk! I gave chase, and if my damned shoulders weren't wider than my head (and therefore unable to proceed through the space between the two small trees as easily as my head did...) I would have had this one.

I was stuck for a few seconds before I figured out I could just back up.

The human laughed.

We walked for three hours, and I must have chased a chipmunk every few seconds. It was nirvana.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

A Bird Learns a Valuable Life Lesson

We got home from a hike yesterday, and Lesli let me out into the yard. Suddenly, we heard a commotion in the corner garden. It all happened so fast - something seemed to be flying across the yard, but not very well. I ran to the rose garden, where it seemed to be headed, and it kind of fell down into the gap between the garden and the fence. Meanwhile, these big black birds were making a ton of noise around us. I could not believe my luck...I had this bird cornered. I was trying to get the damned thing in my mouth, when Lesli realized what was going on and grabbed me by the collar and yanked me off. I was so pissed - I was, like, seconds away from catching my prey. You would think she'd be proud.

She pulled me back, and this little bird flew back toward the ferns where we found it. Parents were still on the fence and in the bushes squaking their brains out. Looks like this was this guy's first flight. He seemed drunk. He flew low, from the ferns, and perched on the brick of the house. Then, back to the ferns and - oops - right into the fence.

Lesli watched him for a bit to make sure he was ok.

I got to watch from inside the house. My reward for almost catching us a snack.

She went back out later and he was gone, so it looks like his first flight turned from near disaster to a successful fledge.

We did a ton of walking and hiking yesterday. It was great. Kind of hot - 22 degrees and sunny may be nice for humans, but for a dog with a double black coat...not so nice. I think Lesli and her friend Mike may go get me a pool this week. If they do, I will give them both my famous and patented Storm facial.

Hell, if the RCMP drivers liked it, Lesli and Mike should.

I got to go in the lake this morning! When we got home, I had breakfast and then ran like crazy all over the house! I jumped on the bed and rolled around in the white sheets! It was awesome!!!

Friday, May 18, 2007

Toilet Paper - A Delicacy Best Enjoyed in Private

While Lesli was on a date last night (more about that in a moment...) I noshed on some of the toilet paper in the upstairs bathroom. She put a new roll on yesterday. The ones from Costco - huge double rolls. So much to eat. I just wish I could conceal the evidence, but, without an opposable thumb, I have to leave the toilet paper pulled down and chewed at the end when I'm done. Which gives me away. She came home, went upstairs to change, and I hear the inevitable "Stooorrrrmmmmmmm....what did you do??". I went upstairs and did my pretty dance. Ears back...head low...wiggle my butt alot...always gets her. Like, yeah, I did it. Couldn't help it. It's just so damned tasty. Look how CUTE I am! How can you be mad??

And I'll do it again, too.

So, my human went on a date last night - she's getting better at this. I'm trying to teach her that, just because one doesn't work out, it doesn't mean you give up on love. Love is everything. And if one guy hurts you or turns out not to be the one, that's ok. There will be others. You just forget about it and move on to the next adventure. When Vimy, my boyfriend in Ottawa, bit was hard, but I moved on. And what do you know - I met Riley! I don't hate Vimy - I still like him. Why not? Why hate? I don't even know what that is - but I can't imagine it would do me any good to know. So, Lesli dates and is starting to believe that there is a magical, wonderful man out there who will come into her life when the time is right - and only fate knows when that will be - and he will be crazy about her, just like I am, and want to spend time with her and want her to be everything she can be.

I think I'm a good influence.

Back to my morning nap.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Signs of Intelligence?

Why would I wait for kleenex or toilet paper rolls to show up in the bathroom garbage when I can lay on the bathroom floor and eat the toilet paper straight from the roll?

Sometimes my brilliance astounds me.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Another day, another walk, another nap

We're back in Burlington after an awesome weekend visiting Lesli's parents in Kincardine.
They live in a nice house with tons of space for me to run - I can go all over the place (except off the property...those jerks put a collar on me that zaps me if I try). There are squirrels, rabbits, tons of doves to chase. They have two dogs - Bristol, another shepherd who was the first dog I got to know when Lesli brought me home as a puppy, and now Piper - a Goldendoodle. Isn't that the most embarrassing thing in the world - to be a Goldendoodle? He's irritating but nice. Bristol is old now - she's 12 - and sometimes pretty mean. I don't mess with her. She feels the need to remind me constantly that she's the boss...blah blah blah...I just go down to the ground and give in. It's easier that way.

Anyway, good weekend there running and chasing things and eating and sleeping and sniffing the air and cleaning the dishwasher with Bristol and Piper. Lesli drove us home yesterday and we ended up stuck in the car for hours on a highway. Everyone around us turned their cars off. It was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo boring. I slept most of the time (see pic). But then we finally both had to pee. So Lesli took me out for a walk on the 401. I peed. Then she put me back in the car - and left! I yelled and yelled - where the HELL are YOU going??????? I watched her climb a fence then disappear into the bushes. She finally came back. Thank god. We sat for another long time. Then, she looked at me - she was all excited about something, was asking me something. Like I can understand? Next thing I know, we're driving off the 401 in our little car, down an embankment...though some deep mud tracks...then back up a steep embankment onto a dirt road. And we were finally MOVING! She was yellling - she seemed happy - so I barked too. It was great!

Lesli's brother Adam came over for dinner last night. I love him. I can't stand it when he comes over, I get so excited. Couldn't find the right offering gift to go along with my standard greeting. Finally settled on one of Lesli's running shoes. He seemed pleased with the gift.
I'd like him more if he gave me some of the garlic bread and pasta I was clearly telling him I wanted.

So, here we are, Lesli's at her desk and I'm asleep on the floor after a great morning walk. Almost got the bunny we always see. So close. Tomorrow. I will try again tomorrow. In the meantime, I sleep.