Monday, December 31, 2007

Propaganda Alert

It has come to my attention that my human is spreading vile propaganda, and I must set the record straight.

I have evidence that she has told other humans that I am slightly "porky" and that, for the sake of my health, they should not bring me gifts of food.

Further, she has advised humans in our pack that I am not to receive too many treats.

Let me be clear.

This is nothing but rumour and propaganda, and should not be accepted as fact.

I am 79.4 pounds of solid, German shepherd muscle.

And I am in desperate need of meat. I need steak, chicken, pork, rabbit, venison and more.

I also require frequent treat infusions and roasted marrow bones.

Do not believe otherwise.

I have now seen the true evil of humans.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Chicken Tales

We've named her Britney.

The human and I agree that this chicken has a lot in common with Britney Spears.

Tacky, skimpy clothing. Too much makeup. No hair. Doesn't know when to zip it.

And, man, does this chicken like to party.

Yes, I believe we made a good choice in naming the chicken.

Falling asleep with this chicken is not easy. The minute you move and put any pressure on it, Brittney scares the hell out of you and wakes you up with the most obnoxious clucking sounds.

Impossible.

The chicken must be eliminated.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas!

We just got back from Kincardine - I got a rubber chicken wearing a bikini and a new rope toy and a bullie for Christmas! Piper is kind of slow - didn't even know what to do with his presents. Hello? You tear them open! I wonder if he'll ever figure it out?

I was really depressed for a couple of days. Just not myself. I admit it - I was sad. I missed Bristol. But now that we're home, I'm back to normal. We went for a short walk, and ran into Riley, which was awesome.

Now we're apparently waiting for grandma, grandpa and Piper to arrive. Lesli hid all of my stuffies so he wouldn't kill them. He kills my stuffies, I kill HIM (that's probably the other reason she hid them).

Saturday, December 22, 2007

There's Something Strange Going On

We're in Kincardine for Christmas, and it took me awhile to settle. I know Lesli told me that Bristol was gone, but I suppose I really hadn't accepted it. I came into the house carefully, tail low, ears back, ready to assume the most submissive pose possible to avoid having my ass kicked. Piper came to the door to say hi, but no Bristol. I went into the house, walked around. No Bristol. I was a bit stressed about it. I started to pant. Lesli and I went upstairs for awhile, and she got me to smell a small cardboard box - I have no idea why. I didn't recognize any scent there. I spent about two hours panting and trying to figure it out. I think I get it now. She's gone. It's nice not having to worry about being submissive all the time, but I really miss her.

I was tortured yesterday. The human took me to Pet Connection, put me in a tub and then tortured me with water.

Yes, yes, yes, I know I like swimming, going into the lake and generally plopping down into any puddle or creek I find.

So it seems somewhat insane that a bath should cause such trauma.

Sorry, can't explain it for you. It just is.

I screamed for most of last night's bath. Tried to hang myself once by jumping out of the tub while the collar was still around my next and affixed to the wall. Lesli saved me. I was ready to end it all. I couldn't take any more. After the water torture, she brought out a hose and blew air all over me while I continued to stand in the tub.

It was ridiculous.

I continued to scream, but no one came to save me.

And now my nice smell is gone, once again replaced by some floral scent humans believe is attractive. I think it's hideous.

I think I'll go back to my nap. Before I do, I'd like to send a shout out to the nice person who left the Swiss Chalet chicken takeout hanging from the garbage can at the off leash dog park last night. It was so easy for me to pull it out of the can while Lesli walked ahead, and I got a few chicken bones in before she stopped me! She called the person a few choice names - I don't get it. Who cares if it can kill you if it tastes so damned good? Besides, I don't pay the vet bills.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Children Everywhere Would be Proud

They all dream of doing it, but rarely do.

I did it.

I managed to pick out my Christmas gift from among all the gifts under the tree this morning and, while the human was upstairs...I opened it.

When she came into the living room, she came upon a very happy me. With my gift between my paws, and the wrapping paper cast aside.

I was so busted.

She laughed and told me she loves me. What else could she do?

Damn, I'm cute.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Blizzard!

We had a HUGE blizzard on Sunday! It hit during the night on Saturday. When we went for our early morning migration Sunday, we had to turn back. At that point, there was a break in the snow and nature was delivering us a lovely combination of ice pellets and driving winds. The ice was hurting my eyes, so we went home and decided to go out again later. When we went for our second walk, it was crazy. Tons of snow, hard to see. I loved it! We found Riley and his human across the street and we all went for a walk together in the snow. By the time it ended late Sunday night, it was hard to walk in the backyard. It came up to my chest. Lesli shoveled out a path and a pee area for me, which made it easier.

Yesterday's walk at Bronte rocked. We broke trail for a lot of it. Cosmo and I played, romped, rolled, plowed our faces through the snow. You'd think I would be tired enough to be nice at the end of the walk when faced with an apparently egregious transgression by one of the dogs we'd been hanging out with. But screw that. Archie came too close to my car. I told him to back off, and he didn't . So I let him have it. He fought back, and it escalated until my human pulled me out of it by my prong collar. And broke her nail in the process (apparently this is considered a tragedy in human circles, especially since she just got her manicure on Saturday. Whatever.)

Diane shoved me into my car and I sat quietly. I had a feeling I was in some trouble. I was right. Got a stern talking to during the drive to get the post-walk coffee ("do YOU pay for the car? NO! Are YOU the alpha dog here? NO! Do I need YOU to defend MY car? NO!!!!), and there was a consultation with a trainer last night. So I guess I will wait and see what fresh hell awaits me next time I decide to defend the car territory.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

I'm Leaking

It's rather embarrassing, but I have been waking up from naps with a puddle beneath me.

Maybe I ate too much snow yesterday and today. I guess it does melt. Perhaps a full bladder and a very sleepy dog = puddles while you sleep.

My human is washing the sofa cushion cover. She has reinforced the couch with a couple of towels and is making jokes about making me sleep on a shower curtain on the bed tonight.

Yeah, that's hilarious.

I suppose I should eat less snow on tomorrow's walk. Not very likely though.

Monday, December 10, 2007

How to Torture Your Human - Step by Step Guide

One of the best ways to make your human squirm, and thus earn yourself minutes of fun-filled entertainment, is to eat something completely gross, something you know they're going to freak out about.

Here is how it works.

Say, for example, you are on a walk with your human and you spot a hunk of black fur lying in the snow. Clearly a dead rodent of some sort - most likely a vole, but really, who the hell cares? It's a frozen dead rodent and you're on top of it.

Scoop it up in your mouth, and make sure the human sees it.

First they yell at you.

"Storm, DROP IT!!!".

Oh, yeah, uh, sure. I'll drop the tasty morsel I have just managed to secure.

When HELL freezes over.

"DROP ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Hold your ground and keep your trap shut. Tightly. Because next comes the shaking.

"I - SAID - DROP - IT!!!!!"

At this point, the human will grab your jaw and head, pry your teeth open and shake your head like it's a goddamned salt shaker, hoping the yummy piece of flesh (or garbage, or poo - just add your favourite forbidden treat here) will drop out.

When it doesn't...heh heh...you've forced them to go in.

They'll make a big show of it, especially if you're not alone (today, for instance, I ate the vole in front of a fairly large pack of other dogs and humans).

"OH - MY - GOD" they'll exclaim, as they reluctantly but forcefully open up your craw and jam their fists inside, digging around to feel the offending object. It could still be on your tongue, or you may be close to swallowing it. Don't worry. They'll dig for it.

And they'll likely cry out as they dislodge it.

Today was a great example.

"EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she cried as the ball of frozen fur was sent flying from my mouth, and all the other humans started saying they wished they had something called antibacterial lotion for my human.

Then I got to watch as the other humans tried to keep their dogs from picking up my discarded prize.

Try it. You're guaranteed a show. You may even get to actually eat whatever you managed to pick up.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Good News - and Very Bad News

The good news is that I had a great time with Auntie Alypoo! Tuesday night, we went for a drive and ended up back at that place we were at when we drove away from my human. This time, as we drove closer, I saw her again! She was there! I started to bark and cry, she was out on a platform crying and people were laughing at us. When she got into the car, I smothered her with Boo kisses and then went back to sleep (I'd had a particularly crazy romp in the snow earlier that day and was very tired).

The bad news is something my human told me last night. My mentor, the dog who really was like my mom, is gone. Bristol died while Lesli was away. She was getting old - I've written about it here. But that doesn't prepare you for losing the dog who helped raise you, who was your best dog friend ever.

Bristol was incredible. When we first met, I was tiny, only seven weeks old. She took me into her den and took care of me. We went to the vet together when I was about eight weeks old, and she cried and fretted when the vet was examining me.

She taught me how to do an effective dishwasher pre-wash.

She taught me how to protect the house and bark at the door.

She taught me how to be brave.

She humped me. A lot.

She humped my head. She humped my ribs. We'd fall over while she humped me, and she would just keep going.

It was her way of reminding me that she was boss. Better than attacking me - which was her preferred method with other dogs!

She was a special combination of strength and sweetness.

My grandma adopted Bristol when she was young. She had been found foraging for food, and was a mess. Grandma took her in, and they had a very hard first year. Bristol was a real handful. She had been scarred by her experiences. But time and patience cemented the relationship, and grandma, Uncle Adam and Bristol became a close family. Then mom moved home from California, and she and Bristol became very close. My human loves her beyond words. That's why she got a German shepherd. Cali made her want a dog...Bristol made her come looking for me.

When Adam moved out and grandma married Grandpa Brian, Bristol got to move to a great place. She went to Kincardine, and had a huge yard she could run in, patrol and chase squirrels and chipmunks and rabbits in. It was perfect for her. I would say the second half of her life was pretty much as good as it gets. She deserved that. I remember early one summer, my human and I stayed with Bristol while her humans were in Chicago. We had a perfect week. We'd spend time outside, then come in for a pack nap. Then go back outside. We played. We cuddled. And, I'm going to admit, we all slept together in the guest bed. A human and two German shepherds. Bristol was the first one up on the bed, too. She loved it.

Grandma and Grandpa Brian were with Bristol when she died. My human told me last night how much she admires grandma for that. She has had to make this painful decision before with pets she loved, and found it was too hard to be there with them while they drew their last breaths. But she was with Bristol. She found the strength, likely drawing it from intense love and loyalty she felt for Bristol, and held her until her very last moments. I am glad that's how she left. She deserved that. She was loyal, loving and steadfast.

I will miss her. My friend, my brave and sweet and loving friend.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

WTF??

Ok, so, I was right. Not long after my last post, Lesli hauled that huge blue thing she used to haul around all the time when we lived in Ottawa down the stairs. She put in in the trunk of that thing we drive around in. And then everyone started getting shoes and coats on. Clearly, we were all going somewhere. And I do mean ALL of us - no way were they leaving without me.

We all piled into the car and went for a ride. I slept. Things seemed to be getting back to normal. A car ride, the three of us - nothing really unusual there.

Then, we pulled up at a big place with lots of other cars. Lesli kept asking for kisses. I gave her one or two, just to shut her up. Next thing I know, she's out of the car, pulling that big blue thing out of the trunk. Auntie Alypoo is moving to Lesli's side of the car, assuming the alpha role. And we're moving - and my human is outside on the sidewalk??

WTF?

We were driving away and she was still out there?

I stared out the car window with what must have been a very clear "WTF" expression on my face.

She waved. I saw the words "Boo Boo" come out of her (man, does she HAVE to do that in public?) and we were gone.

I'm over it now.

I was over it by the time we hit the 401.

Now it's time for Storm and Alypoo's Excellent Adventure!

I've already started the festivities by showing her how I eat toilet paper from the roll.

It's like my favourite party trick.

Vacation Time

It looks like my human is getting ready to leave me for a bit. She's going to London tonight, and I'm going to have a vacation with my Auntie Alypoo. I'll keep notes and update everyone on my vacation when I return December 5th.

Friday, November 23, 2007

First Snow of Winter 2007!

We had our first snowfall yesterday. When we woke up in Kincardine and grandma let me out for a pee, you could have knocked me over with a feather. The grass was covered in snow, and big fat flakes were coming down.

I ran in it! I drove my nose through it like a plow! I rolled in it! I peed on it!

The human and I drove home to Burlington in it - that wasn't a whole lot of fun, but, once we made it, we headed straight to Bronte.

And out came my inner puppy.

To hell with the aching back!

More running! More self playing! I chased sticks, snowflakes, birds and whatever else I could find. I ran through the fields while more big, fat flakes fell on my face. I ate it with reckless abandon, biting at the snow on the ground and devouring it. I rolled in it - over and over, wiggling on my back. I ran my snout through it and basically experienced every ounce of joy I could squeeze out of it. And I peed on it - over and over and over.

I can't tell you what it is about snow that we dogs love so much. Maybe that there's just so much you can do in it - it's fluffy, it's cool, and it's fun. You humans should just let go and try letting your inner puppies out a bit more often when it snows. Don't worry about the roads, shoveling the driveway. Go outside and make snow angels, play with your dogs. Have fun! Live the miracle of it!

As for me, it's time to rest. I've exhausted myself.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Dog Park Adventures and Handsome Men

What a great weekend!

The dog park was busy Saturday morning. I met a really great dog named Bentley. He's younger than I usually like - only 11 months - but I had fun with him anyway. Then we saw Hughie, the little border collie my human loves (Hughie makes cute little sounds when she pets him) and his packmate, Jade. Then there was Max, who was focused on humping Abby, a yellow lab who totally let Max hump her. She sat down once or twice, but never told him off. We were all standing around waiting for a fight and thinking, like, God, tell him off, he's being obnoxious! But she didn't. Max wisely stuck with Abby and didn't give me or Cosmo a try.

I rolled in something totally delicious - I smelled fantastic. The human thought it was just dirt. Until we got into the car. Then she smelled the amazing aroma I had draped myself in. I figured she'd like it. But our next stop was Pet Connection, the pet shop we always visit. And the location of the dreaded.....bath. I was unceremoniously dumped into a large tub, and tortured with warm water and smelly soap until the beautiful aroma of the substance I had rolled in was brutally snuffed out. Oh, I screamed and cried. But no one came back to help me.

We topped off our day with a walk with Riley. Ahhhhhhh, Riley. He's so totally hot. German shepherd, younger than me. So confident and handsome. I melt like a complete idiot whenever I see him. I suppose I've got a weakness for good looking German shepherds. I should stay away, I know. I lusted after Vimy, and he bit me. I fawn all over Riley, and find out he's got girls all over the neighbourhood. I bark at one of them, Annie, whenever I get the chance. She acts all sweet and nice, but I know better. I know it's a ploy to steal my man. I should walk away. But I can't stop myself.

My human has good looking cops. I have good looking German shepherds. And neither one of us is very good at walking away from them!

Friday, November 16, 2007

Dear God...

I'm going gray.

My snout is gray on the top and bottom. It used to be I had just a little gray above and below my lips. Now, though, it's really noticeable.

I suppose this makes me more distinguished? Elegant? Perhaps I will command greater respect?

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Request for Information

Here's my dilema. I'm a middled aged girl, and my metabolism is slowing down. Even though I exercise a lot and I only get two pitiful cups of dog food per day, along with a bit of meat and the odd dog treat, I tend to put on weight. So I have to work hard to watch my figure now.

I can account for my dog food, but I haven't got a clue how many calories are in the other staples in my diet.

Does anyone know how many calories are in:

1. Kleenex (calories per one Kleenex)
2. Toilet paper (per sheet, and I can calculate from there)
3. Toilet paper roll (per roll)
4. Goose poo (per ounce?)
5. Fabric (um, how about calories for cotton, satin and flannel)
6. Rabbit poo (per pellet)
7. Grass
8. Paper towel (per sheet, the big Costco ones)
9. Bird seed (mixed as well as nyger seed)

I think that about does it for the things I snack on regularly.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Wild Day at the OLDP

Lesli and I have been meeting up with Diane and Cosmo pretty much every day at the off leash dog park at Bronte. I have such a great time. Some days, we get there before Diane and Cosmo. Lesli has learned the extent of my superior senses finally, because I always sense that they're about to arrive long before the dumb human sees them coming around the corner and into the parking lot (how these humans survive with their less than stellar senses, I will never know). Once I sense they're coming, I go nuts and run to the parking lot. I guess that makes it hard for Diane to drive, with me rushing her van, so Lesli puts me on the leash now until Diane is parked and out of her van. Then she lets me go, and I FLY to the van - through the fields, over the hills, nothing can stop me.

Sometimes, Diane and Cosmo get there first and they hide on me. I see their van when we pull in, sniff it, and try to find them.

Yesterday was a particularly good romp. Diane and Cosmo brought Bella, a golden retriever puppy. We had some great chases in the grass - I really felt like playing. We met up with Beau, another golden, same age and almost Bella's twin. Those two were embarrassing. Like Romeo and Juliet. Inseparable and crazy. Cosmo played "fun cop" and let them know when they were simply having too much fun for her taste, and I stayed close to the humans.

When we got to my "secret" watering hole, I took them all down there.

When Bella emerged, the humans gasped. She was absolutely covered in mud. It was exceptional. I was somewhat jealous. The humans kept saying they wished they had cameras. This golden retriever was caked in mud from the bottom of her paws to about two thirds of the way up her body. And she was, of course, overcome with joy about it.

I wonder how long it took to get her clean?

We're getting ready to go there again now. Boy, I sure love Diane and I really like Cosmo. We get along well. I love our walks.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Farewell, Cali Sue

Cali died Sunday morning. Jeff woke up, and she didn't. I will be spending the night comforting my human - she is heartbroken.

I never met Cali, but I want to thank her. For showing my human the power of the love that can exist between dogs and their owners. For making Lesli want to come looking for me.

I'm pretty sure heaven is a better place now that Cali is there.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

My Name is Storm...and I'm a Crotch-a-holic

It's true. I cannot deny it anymore. I need help.

The chewed chair pad is the last straw. Lesli had been working in her office during the morning. She went out, and I went upstairs. I sniffed the chair pad...and I had to have it. I couldn't stop. I was out of control.

When she came home, I acted normal. Then she went upstairs. She didn't yell, she didn't make a sound. But I knew she'd find the chair pad. So I hopped onto the couch, and got ready. When she came into the living room, I wagged my tail as fast as I could, plastered my ears to my head and tried to look as cute and helpless as possible.

I don't know how to stop eating the crotches out of things.

Countless pairs of underwear and pants have paid the price.

I can de-crotch a pair of underwear in seconds. I am stealth. You can try to hide them. But I will prevail.

It's not just underwear. Many, many pairs of flannel pyjama pants in our household have lost their crotches. Workout pants. Any pants, really. You wear 'em, I eat 'em.

I'll even chew the facecloth someone uses to wash with.

I can't stop myself.

I need help.

I just can't explain it.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

The Hard Part About Loving Dogs

The hard part about loving us dogs is that there is a very good chance you will outlive us, and you will have to say goodbye to us. You all know it, in the back of your minds, or sometimes in the forefront. Most of you know people who have lost dogs they loved and said it was so painful they would never bring another dog into their lives. But most humans endure it, and choose to love a dog again - because what we share together, human and dog, two entirely different species who come together, is so special and so pure.

I feel badly for Lesli today, because she's facing the loss of her dog Cali. She's the one in California that Lesli visited in June - the one I wrote about when Lesli got back from the visit. When Lesli moved back to Canada, Cali stayed in San Diego with Jeff.

What Lesli didn't know when she visited in June was that Cali had cancer. They've tried chemo, but she got word from Jeff yesterday that the chemo didn't work. The cancer is in Cali's bones, and she is dying. As hard as she's trying to keep her sad energy from me - she forgets that I am very hard to fool. I know she's hurting. She loves Cali a lot. That's why she has me. If it wasn't for Cali coming into her life, we wouldn't have shared our lives together. Because Cali is the one who made Lesli fall in love with dogs, and what we bring to her life. If you think about it, Cali really changed her life.

I never met Cali. But she sounds like a great dog. Different than me - Lesli tells people she's the sweetest, most gentle dog she's ever known. That's NOT how many people would describe me! Despite that, I think we would have been friends if we'd met.

I wish I could help. I guess I help just by being here. At least she's not mauling me tonight.

I better check on her again. She's probably doing that strange thing where salty water ends up all over her face, and I try to lick it all off. Not because I want to show her I love her. Because of the salt. Mmmmmmmmm....

Sunday, October 21, 2007

A Perfect Weekend With My Human

Or, nearly perfect. Had I caught a rabbit, squirrel, goose or some other assorted prey, the weekend would have been perfect. But it was close.

What did we do?


We snuggled on the couch.

We went for some long walks at Bronte - met up with Cosmo this morning, which was fun. I also met a giant dog - Logan. He was the size of a horse, and made me, a killer German shepherd, look like a Yorkie. It was somewhat humiliating, so I ignored Logan.

We spent some time hanging out in the yard, since it was like summer this weekend. Lesli did some work in the garden, I did some work on improving my lounging capabilities. We spent some time sitting on a rock out on the lake across the street, watching the ducks and geese.

Today I convinced her to feed me dinner just after 3pm. Heh heh heh...some might say that is an indication that I am, in fact, superior to Lesli. I would argue that isn't necessarily the case. I mean, I do this stupid "ohmygodlookhowcuteiampleeeeeasssseeeeeeeeeeefeedme" dance almost every day. She only caves once in awhile - and only if we've had a full day of exercise and we've just come back from a pack migration or hunt. She really is superior. In fact, she's perfect in every way. (she types this for me...what do you expect me to say??? )

Oooooh - I forgot - I got to clean out a nearly empty jar of peanut butter yesterday! That was, perhaps, the highlight of my weekend.

Back to the couch now. I'm wiped out from our hikes today.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Something evil lurks...

We both saw it - something small, scurrying to the rocks as we walked toward the cove across the street. It's the spot we go to every morning to finish our walk. It looks out over Lake Ontario - really a beautiful spot. We see geese, herons, swans, Bert the river otter. We see sunrises and fog, high waves in windy days, hoards of water fowl huddled in the cove to escape the wind.

I don't know what it was we saw this morning. I think it was too small to be Bert. It ran into the rocks, and we followed it. I sniffed around - it was there - I focused on it, with my tail high and my ears pointing straight to where it was while I listened to what it was doing. I sniffed and sniffed - then all of a sudden, the damned thing made a ridiculous sound from under the rock. I jumped straight into the air, backed up...carefully moved forward again. But whatever it was, it was clear neither of us was going to get a look at it. We walked further and checked out the geese and ducks etc.

On our way back, we stopped at the spot once more to see if the thing was still there. We both peered into the rocks. Couldn't see anything. But my nose told me it was still there. So I got closer to get a better sniff. And, BAM - that loud hissing sound shot out at me again. All four paws into the air, human laughing at me.

I had to walk away from whatever evil little monster was hiding under that rock.

But I'll be back. And you can bet, I'll head straight for that spot tomorrow to see if the noisy jerk is still there.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Pack Insanity

Things have been weird in my pack lately. First, Lesli's gone all the time. Then, she's back all the time. Next thing I know, Adam comes home. So happy. Then Adam leaves, with a bunch of those bags that tell me he's not coming back in an hour. Next thing I know, Alyson walks through the door. Yipee! I slept with her that night. Then - she left. Just Lesli and me again. Then she's packing bags and we went for a trip to a new place called London. We stopped at a hotel - and guess who was there? Adam! I sniffed a bunch of his friends, then Adam, Lesli and I got into the car and drove to....Kincardine. Yipee! Hung out with grandma, grandpa, Bristol and Piper (Bristol and I weren't allowed to get too close to each other), slept over - then, on the freakin' road again. This time, without Adam. Lesli and I got home. Hung out for a bit. Then...the door opens...and it's Richard! Holy crap! First time he's been to our den! Yipee! Grabbed his shirt, socks. Ran around the house. Thought all was finally settled. But, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Not in this pack. Awhile later, Adam AND grandma showed up. WTF?????? Are they trying to drive me insane? So, last night - Richard, Lesli, Adam, grandma and me hung out at the den. So far, this pack structure remains intact. But I sense it's about to change.

Stupid humans.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

We survived another campaign

Lesli is home. She got home late last night, and gave me the good news. Today is election day - which means, her long days and late nights are over and we are together again. Whew! Just in time, because my stomach is starting to react to the freaky schedule and total pack instability.

I saw Kim yesterday!!!! I wasn't supposed to start walking again until the 11th, but they messed up the schedule so Kim came over - man, it was good to see her. We miss her a lot. And I'm not going to start my five day a week walking schedule again until Lesli is working full time, so it will be awhile before I get to see her on a regular basis. But it will happen. Hopefully soon.

Adam came home the other day - he walked in just after I spent some time with his shoe (picture included). God I love him. I can barely stand how much I love him. He's sleeping right now. I'm outside his door trying to get him to let me in because I need to be near him.

But he's sleeping through the plaintive wails.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Grey Furry Vermin

Great day today! Lesli and I went for a super rainy walk early this morning. I was kind of bummed - didn't see one bunny or squirrel. Then I went for another walk later on - had a sniff-a-thon, ran a little bit, had some fun. Tonight when Lesli's friend came over to feed me, I brought her a super special gift - I greeted her with a toilet paper roll I stole from the garbage. She seemed grateful.

We went for a short after dinner walk, and I was on a mission. I knew where the squirrels were. I immediately turned right out of our complex and walked with a purpose to their secret squirrel hideout. And I found 'em!! S.Q.U.I.R.R.E.L.S.! Grey ones! Everywhere! So happy!

I cleared the street of grey furry vermin and headed home for a rest. Now I wait for Lesli.

Monday, October 1, 2007

Our Perfect Sunday

Lesli and I had a whole day together yesterday. It was wonderful. We went for a long walk in our neighbourhood in the morning. Then we went to Bronte. We started off at the off leash area. She thought I was a bit bored, and since it was a nice day, decided we would head over to the trails where we'd see lots of new things, and plenty of squirrels and chipmunks to keep me occupied. We hiked for a long time. The leaves were starting to turn, some were on the ground. There were chipmunks and squirrels - I was able to chase them until I hit the end of my flexi. Which hurt. But it was worth it. I went for a swim in Bronte creek, met a couple of nice beagles, and generally had a wonderful time.

For dinner, she added duck to my Evo low-fat high protein organic kibble. One of the things I love about her - she adds a bit of meat to my kibble every night, and always chooses meats I covet on our walks. Rabbit. Duck. Venison. LOVE IT. Too bad Evo doesn't offer squirrel in a can.

We went to the lake later on and sat on a rock out on the water. I laid down beside her. We watched the geese and the waves. It was really nice.

All in all, we had a near perfect human and dog day.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

The Shoe

Last night I decided to head to the basement with Lesli while she did some laundry. When I got down there, I encountered the most joyous smell. It was the smell of Adam. I tracked it to the things he has stored in our basement while he is away. Oh, my, was I happy. I sniffed his guitar case and wagged my tail excitedly. Was he in the case? I couldn't tell! If he was, he didn't seem inclined to come out. Somewhat disappointed, I moved on.

I wandered under his desk, turned around a few times and wiggled my bum while I sniffed everything around me.

Adam, Adam, Adam. Everywhere, I could smell Adam. But where was he??

I discovered some small green bags. The more I sniffed them, the more excited I got. Finally, I emerged from under the desk. With the Holy Grail of Adam. A shoe. Ohhhhhhhhh how wonderful!!
I wiggled over to the stairs, shoe in my mouth, ears back, beyond happy. I slowly made my way up the stairs (not easy when your body is wiggling so much) and wandered around the house for awhile with the shoe gently but securely in my mouth. I finally set it down by the dishwasher.

Lesli says I can keep it close to me as a reminder of Adam.

Friday, September 28, 2007

How often do I have tell you...

It's a sign of intelligence!!

WHY would I wait for the roll when I can eat the toilet paper like a licorice string, straight off the wall?

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Storm the Campaign Policy Wonk

Lesli worked from home Sunday. It was nice to have the time together. Even if she was working, we took the odd break and went for short walks together, and I snuggled up on the couch next to her while she wrote for the campaign. Once when she went upstairs, I moved over to her spot in front of the laptop and inserted some policy I thought was missing from the speech. Not sure if they noticed. She caught me just after I had finished. We will see if my policy recommendations make headlines.

I've had some adventures this week. I chased a couple of red tailed hawks who were engaged in a noisy battle in the sky. I figured I could catch them. Almost caught a snake. Went to the lake for a short dip last night. And this morning, I saw what is apparently referred to as a possum among humans. It was on a fence - must be the ugliest thing I've ever seen. Because of that factor, I barked my brains out at it. I'm convinced the people living in the house there appreciated the pre-dawn wakeup call.

Then this morning, the river otter (who the human has named Bert) made a long appearance. I believe he comes in peace, so I don't bark at him (yet). He sat up on his hind legs and checked us out for quite some time this morning. It was like an otter/human/canine stand off, with everyone thinking, holy crap, what's that? Then he wandered down onto the rocks and played a bit. Still close to us. It was cool. We like Bert the River Otter.

Back to my nap. It's really hot - I'm lazy today.

By the way, now that I am offically a political policy wonk, I will now refer to the off-leash dog park as the OLDP.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Kangaroo Revenge

My routine has changed a lot since I came home. Lesli's gone a lot. We spent the whole spring and summer together, and now she leaves early in the morning and comes home late at night. I'm ok - I get exercise and I get fed - but I just don't get why this sudden change.

So I took it out on a kangaroo last night.

He's from Australia. Or, I should say, "she" - there's a baby kangaroo in her pouch. And she's been sitting on a shelf in Lesli's office, where she keeps her mementos from her political travels. I've left that kangaroo alone, just like I've left the lobster and Corn Cob Bob to live in peace as well.

But no more.

Last night, while she watched the news, I snuck upstairs and kidnapped the damned kangaroo. I brought it back downstairs, and hid behind the loveseat, silently torturing it while I knawed away on one of its legs.

And I would have finished the job if too if little balls hadn't started coming out of the leg as I chewed it, alterting the human to my evil plan.

She swooped in and saved the kangaroo. And with some surgery, it will live.

But have no fear...I will succeed with my next victim.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Chipotle Pepper Sour Cream - Taste With Care.

Wow, is it ever nice to be home. I was insane with happiness when I saw Lesli Friday night. We snuggled a lot. Grandma stayed over, and I slept downstairs with her. I went up early Saturday morning to wake Lesli up, and we had an awesome run. Lots of bunnies, cool weather and plenty of squirrels to chase. Adam and Nikki took me to Bronte yesterday afternoon, and then Lesli and Adam hung out with me last night.

Adam made a HUGE thing of nachos for dinner. They set up dinner on the coffee table. I watched patiently but wasn't getting anything from them, so I took matters into my own hands and decided to grab a taste from one of the bowls near the edge.

I licked the creamy stuff inside, thought it was pretty tasty at first, so I kept going. Lesli realized what I was doing and stopped me.

Next thing I know, my mouth is exploding. I kept licking and licking at the air. Then I was hacking and licking at the same time. Then my eyes started to water and I couldn't stop blinking them. This went on and on...I don't think I've ever felt anything like it. Meanwhile, the humans were bent over laughing.

Nice.

Ok, so, things with chipotle peppers may not be something that is high on my list of foods to steal in the future.

It's Sunday today. I think Lesli is going to work from home. We may get a visit to Bronte in! She's going to have a busy few weeks but Adam will be here, so I will be ok.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Home!

I'm going home! I'm going home! I'm going home!!!!!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Tyson vs. Holyfield...German Shepherd Style

When Bristol and I were younger - even a few months ago - I didn't question her. We were friends. I learned very early that she was the alpha dog. If she wanted something, I let her have it. If she told me off, I went to the ground and never challenged her. It wasn't worth it. She'd kick my ass. She was undeniably the boss in our little dog pack.

But she's 13 now. And she's showing her age. She's weak. And though humans have this curious but I suppose honourable quality of caring for their old, their weak, their infirm, it doesn't work that way in the animal world. In a wolf pack, when a wolf is old and infirm, we start to challenge it for the leadership spot. And we will kill it - or drive it out of the pack.

Though I am aware we are not a pack of wolves living in the wild, there are undeniable instincts we cannot fight. One of them tells Bristol to be defensive around me because I may try to usurp her position as alpha or worse. The other tells me to fight her.

So now, when she takes a shot at me, I fight back. And we've had two knock down, drag out fights.

I know it's hard for the humans. But it's not personal to us. Things have changed. It's too much for grandma to manage on her own in the house - who could blame her?

Sooooooooooooooooooo....guess what?

I get to go home!!

Grandma is bringing me back home on Friday. I feel badly - but I can't help my instincts. Either can Bristol.

Now, it's up to my human to figure out what the hell she will do with me for the rest of the campaign.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Bath-o-rama

So, I had my third bath in a week today. I must really smell. I wonder if they realize just how much I hate baths? They probably do. They just don't care. They're all about smelling good on their terms. Never mind the fact that I smell best after I've rolled in a rotting salmon. Everyone knows that's an incredible smell. Or after I rub my face in mystery poo. They want me to smell like green apples or jasmine and other assorted disgusting human-approved fragrances. And there is nothing I can do to stop it. I scream, I cry. I look despondent. Still, they torture me with their ridiculously perfumed shampoos and deoderant sprays.

I think about my human a lot and wonder how she's doing. No doubt she's working way too hard, she's tired and she's missing me. Any day now she'll feel the crush of emotions generated by the adrenaline and exhaustion of an election campaign, and she'll call here. Crying about how much she misses me. But I'm doing alright. And I know she's coming back for me, one day.

My cousin in California has cancer. I heard grandma on the phone with Lesli earlier. It must make Lesli really sad - she loves Cali so much. Good thing I'm not in Burlington. She would be torturing me with forced puppy hugs and plaintive "I love you's".

Nap time.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Kickin' it in Kincardine

So, they made good on their promise to ship me off to the groomer yesterday. I won't talk about how THAT was. I don't want to relive the trauma.

Grandma picked me up, brought me home - and all of a sudden, Bristol was being a major bitch. I have no idea what I did! I had been gone for hours - what the hell? She didn' t want to let me into the house. Grandma made her - and I made my way really fast to the bed in the corner, to get out of her way.

She followed me - stalked me - I didn't know what to do. I laid down (photo attached!) and just laid low. Things calmed down after awhile.

Piper and I slept together downstairs last night. We had a blast - watched tv all night, ate chips, drank too much pop. Got into the biscuits, watched shows we aren't normally allowed to watch. It was great. We had it all cleaned up by the time anyone came down in the morning, so they'll never know!!!

Things are good here. I smell better, so people are being nicer to me. I'm spending some time outside, just hanging out, watching for chipmunks and squirrels.

Wondering how Lesli is doing. I hope she's sleeping ok without me.

Monday, September 3, 2007

I'm on Vacation

Adam and I went on a little drive together yesterday. And we ended up in Kincardine! What a surprise! Even more surprising was the fact that somehow, my food dishes and all of my food was with us - so I have it here now. Not sure where Lesli is. But I'm sure she'll show up eventually. She must be off hunting for the pack.

It has been great so far. Today, I spent some time lazing under a big cedar tree sniffing the air and watching the world go by.

Speaking of sniffing, everyone here says I smell.

I don't know what they're talking about.

I mean, I just endured a visit to that place where they tie me up, brush me, bath me and then subject me to some blow dryer thing.

And now I have to go through it again tomorrow?

For the love of God, don't these humans GET IT?

I smell GOOD!

And may I remind you humans that I love you no matter what. You could stink like a garbage dump, and I would still love you.

Jeesh.

Saturday, September 1, 2007

R.I.P., Bella

My friend Bella died. She was a German shepherd too, and was still a puppy. She was playing with two big boxers at the off leash park, and the play was really rough. Bella hit her head. Her human rushed her to the emergency vet, and they examined her to see whether the injury was to her head or her spine, and discovered it was to her head. She died a few hours later. Bella was awesome - always happy, always wanted to play. I'll miss her.

If Liberals Break Promises...

Then Lesli must be a liberal. Because she promised me when she picked me up from grandma and grandpa's after the 2006 federal election, after we'd been separated again for over two months, that we would never be apart for that long again.

And now she tells me I'm going to visit grandma and grandpa tomorrow. Alone. Because she's working another election.

She always writes about Liberals breaking promises. Says the provincial ones she's trying to beat broke over fifty of them. I bet none of them were as big as this one.

I guess it's ok - I do have a good time in Kincardine. It will be good to see Bristol, and I loooooovvvveeeeeeee my grandparents. I can do a couple of drive by lickings on Brian. That' s always a laugh.

We're spending our last day together at home, walking, going to Bronte.

And I live in terror that she's going to be groping me all day.

It's already started. Trying to have my morning nap, and suddenly she's in my face saying "kisses, boo????".

Good god.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Postscript: Mr. Bunny

Sadly, we believe Mr. Bunny has left us. A couple of weeks ago, we saw a small pile of beige fur on the grass near Mr. Bunny's home, and we haven't seen him since. He was there, every morning, rain or shine. So it's not looking good. We will miss you, Mr. Bunny. We already do. I really wanted to eat you.

Two Hot Chicks

It was a really warm night last night. We went for an early short walk - my usual after dinner stroll - before going to Bronte later for a run.

I wore my usual black fur coat, and Lesli was wearing a white tank top and capris.

We must have looked pretty damned good, because first, a truck with three guys in it honked. Then, a car with two guys in it honked. Then a guy on a motorcycle nearly rear ended the car in front of him because he was looking back at us. I figure it's me - I'm hot. So we were feeling pretty good for a couple of middle aged broads.

I stopped for a poo, and the cool came to an end. At least for the human.

See, when you like to eat grass and other assorted fibrous products, sometimes, once in awhile, stuff doesn't go the way it should. And you need a little...uh...help.

Which is what happened last night.

At first it was all going fine. But just when I thought I'd finished...I got that feeling.

I did my little "ohmygodithinkthere'ssomethingstuckinmybum" dance. Wiggled around. All it did was bob from side to side. I tried squatting again. No luck. Meanwhile, doofus is laughing her head off because she's watching me try to get a swinging piece of poo off my butt, and she knows what she's going to have to do. She finally went for it - knelt down and, while still laughing and while all of the rush hour traffic on Lakeshore watched, she pulled the piece of poo out of my butt.

Ya, we looked very cool at that moment.

She laughed for quite some time still as we walked on.

Gotta tell you, I appreciate the help.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Top Ten Signs I Had a Great Weekend

1. My belly is full of horse poo

2. My belly is full of pig poo

3. A horse is still recovering from being chased around its pasture by Storm, the Huntress

4. Got to watch my stupid human try to catch me while I chased the horse

5. I barely moved during the seven hour drive home from Ottawa (seven hours thanks to the OPP closing the 401 west just past Port Hope)

6. Successfully avoided Link the scary pig for 48 hours

7. Acquired a new chew toy by stealing it from an innocent 13-month old while he slept (consider it payback for petting me by repeatedly smacking me on the head)

8. The llamas at The Big Apple are still talking about the terror of being barked at by the scary black German shepherd

9. Hot date at Conroy Pit with my Ottawa boyfriend, Vimy (I've got them in every city)

10. Being called a "goose shit eating pig" during evening walk once finally home in Burlington...which means...my belly is also full of goose poo.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

I Swear...

I did not pay the squirrel to drop a nut on Lesli's head this morning.

But I would have. Because it was hilarious.

We were walking along Lakeshore, and as we passed under a big chestnut tree, a nut came down and hit her on the head. We both looked up - and there was a grey squirrel looking down at us.

I think he's some kind of kamikaze squirrel, because he was at it again tonight. He missed us this time. But not because the little bastard didn't try.

It's one thing to hit her.

That's just funny.

If he hits me, he's dead.

That is, if I can figure out how to climb trees.

Been workin' on that one for seven years now...but I'll figure it out.

Lesli and I are going on a road trip tomorrow - I'll report back on our adventures Sunday night!

Monday, August 13, 2007

The White and Black Bunny

I lost count at ten bunnies this morning, there were so many - and all so close.

There was one strange bunny, though.

On Burloak, we were on the east side of the street and this strange looking bunny stepped onto the street from the west side, getting ready to cross and heading toward us. Because it was so weird looking, I started to bark to warn everyone. Lesli looked over, saw it and started to pull me away. Usually she lets me get close to the bunnies...not sure what she didn't like about this one.

Maybe its colour? It was black with a white stripe from its head to its tail.

I don't know what her issue was...

It stood on the street for a few seconds with its tail up in the air watching me bark, before it decided not to head toward us after all and went back onto the sidewalk.

Really wish I had been able to get closer to it.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Ohhhhh....my tummy....

My stomach....ughhhh....I feel pretty crappy. Literally. My marrow bone was sooooooooooooooooo delicious...and for dinner, I had rabbit - in honour of Mr. Bunny. I couldn't sit still long enough for my ass to touch the ground while Lesli put the food down - the smell - my God - it was heaven. And the taste...ahhhhhh.....

But, oh, the price I am paying.

I think I need to go out again.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Happy Birthday to Me

Or, "Happy BooDay" as my idiot human has been singing since we woke up.

Yes, today is my birthday. I'm seven - which, according to a chart that takes the size of dog breeds into account, means I am about 55 in your human years.

We slept in a little to celebrate, and when we woke, I was horribly serenaded with "Happy BooDay to you..." and the ever so popular Beatles song, "Today's Your BooDay".

I'm a lucky, lucky dog.

I expect there will be a cupcake tonight for us to share...probably some delicious canned Innova dog food for dinner...and a roasted marrow bone (I have been cut off bones since my teeth are wearing down, so this will be extra special).

Here's to a great eighth year of exploring this amazing world we live in!

Monday, August 6, 2007

Heatwaves = Tired German Shepherds


We have been in the first real heatwave of summer for about a week, and I'm dyin' here. Lesli sleeps with me in the living room so I don't have to go upstairs, where it's even hotter. We have air conditioning, but she's trying to do the right thing and keep it set pretty high. I say screw the environment and the bank account and crank up the a/c. And I think my telepathic messaging system has almost penetrated her slow human mind...she's starting to think the same thing.

I've spent my days being uber-lazy so I don't have many stories to tell. There was a morning last week when one of my dreams came true. I managed to break free of her while I was chasing Mr. Bunny. Can't tell you how excited I was - I chased that stupid rabbit all over the place, while Lesli was shouting "Storm, here!". YEAH, RIGHT!!! Like I'm coming back for a tiny piece of venison/salmon treat when I can have a whole rabbit?!?!?! In the end, she caught me as I ran by and my taste of freedom was over.

I've had a few swims in Lake Ontario, some sloooowwwwwww walks and a few good squirrel chases. But I'm mainly laying around and waiting for the heat to break.

I'm posting a picture from last weekend - treed a black squirrel and was patiently waiting for the tasty little guy to come back down and say hello to me. If you look closely at my mouth, you will see I was more than ready for him....

Friday, July 27, 2007

A Dog's Love


I was thinking last night, while I slept with my head on Lesli’s lap, about the love between us and how strange and unique it is – this relationship between humans and dogs.

I don’t think about things often. I react, based on instinct.

Perhaps that is a part of what I bring to her life. Not thinking too much. Not worrying about whether I’ve gained five pounds, whether I look as good as Tessa, the greyhound down the street or comparing myself to the other dogs I meet. I just take life’s surprises as they are – I take people as they are.

The rules in my world are pretty clear. I don’t spend much time analyzing them. I just live. When an older dogs shows up, I defer. When a younger dog shows up, I expect it to defer. When I'm angry, I show it. When I'm happy, I show it. When I want to roll in the grass, I do it. I don’t care what people think if they see me. Why should I? If I like someone, I show them. If they reject me, I move on to the next person I like and show them! If I want to explore something, I do it. I don’t wonder whether I should or not, whether I have time. I get more joy out of chasing a squirrel or seeing someone I love than most humans get in a week of living. I feel. I am. I don’t analyze it. I don’t spend my days worrying about my death. Who does that? It will come. Somewhere, in the dark and ancient recesses of my mind, I know that.

So I live. Completely and fully. Experiencing every moment like it has never happened before, and may never happen again.

I think maybe that’s the basis for our love, Lesli and me. I love her the way people should love each other – fully and completely, for who she is. My love isn’t fickle. I will love her until I die. She doesn’t need to question that. I forgive her when she hurts me. In seconds. It is forgotten. When she’s sad, I lick her face until her tears are gone. When she’s injured, I lick her wounds and heal them (or make them worse…which has happened). When her heart is breaking, I let her know I’m there. Always. No matter what. We teach each other about how to love, and about how to live.

My love her for her is instinctive. She takes care of me. And I know her love for me is unconditional. If I eat her underwear, if I get sick and make a mess in the house, if I shake mud all over her brand new car, she will still love me. I will still sense the immense joy she feels when she sees me, when she touches me, even if I chew her cell phone.

And we will continue to go through this journey together. Even though we’re both supposedly grown up now, we still share the same lust for life, the same curiosity, the same emotional highs and lows. If it’s possible for dog and human to be alike, then that is us. We are excited by and sometimes devastated by life. But both feelings pass quickly, and we move on together to the next moment. We’re both tough on the outside…but what lies inside is much different.

I think we were meant to be together, my human and me.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

What a Morning Walk!

Our walk this morning was a blast! Things were quiet until we got to Mr. Bunny's spot. Usually he's pretty far back in the grass - close enough to see well, but not so close that I ever have a hope in hell of catching him. But this morning, he was right beside the path. We must have both been daydreaming, because in an instant, there we were - face to face. He ran like crazy and stopped, and I took off like a shot, almost pulling Lesli over with me (man, it hurts when I do that with a prong collar on, but sometimes it's worth the pain). I was soooooooooooo close to getting him!

Next was a huge hawk, sitting on a fence on Burloak. Right there, on someone's front yard fence. It was huge. We both stood still for a few seconds to watch it. Lesli was just in awe...and I was contemplating how I would climb that fence to get it. It flew away, and we continued.

At the lake, we saw a pair of swans and their four babies. I figured, with four kids surviving, those swans must be pretty good at defending them...I used my head for once and stayed away from them. We walked a bit further, to our usual morning lookout point, and saw a heron there. So, we stopped to watch the heron. Lesli was in front of me, I was still behind her - and I suddenly heard movement on the rocks behind me. Thinking it was likely a squirrel, I turned - and stared at this thing just a couple of feet away from me. I couldn't figure out what the hell it was - had never seen one before. It came up onto the rocks by me, checked things out, sniffed around for a few seconds, then left before I had the chance to fully assess the situation and go after it.

Turns out it was a river otter!

SO many potential meals on our walk this morning!!

Sunday, July 22, 2007

A Tail of Forbidden Love

Hey everyone.

I spent a great weekend at dog camp while Lesli went to Ford & Bonnie’s cottage up north. She dropped me off with Tracy and Wendy early Saturday morning. I put on usual show to make Lesli feel guilty about leaving me but as soon as she pulled away I started to party, and didn’t stop until she picked me up.

After we got our greetings out of the way, she said we needed to have a talk, about my cousin Griffin.

Griffin was, of course, at the cottage this weekend. He’s Ford & Bonnie’s five year old yellow lab. I hear he’s nice. We haven’t met. I’ve smelled him – stayed at his place one night last December while he was away. He smelled like a cool dog.

When Lesli got to the cottage, Bonnie told her about Griffin’s friend Charlie. Said that Charlie and Griffin visit each other, look almost identical, that they’re great buds.

Charlie is a yellow lab, a year younger than Griffie. He lives two cottages over.

They met when Charlie first showed up in the ‘hood, and started hanging out. Found they had a lot in common.

They started wandering over to each other’s cottages. Playing with sticks together. Wrestling on the dock. Sitting on the dock sniffing the world as it goes by.

When Griffin kissed Charlie, no one thought anything of it. Even when the two buds were busted, uh, “cleaning” each other, everyone chalked it up to normal dog behaviour.

But when Ford and Bonnie came home one rainy afternoon to find Griffin and Charlie watching Brokeback Mountain, they knew…this was a special dog friendship.

This was love.

Lesli says you can see it when they’re together.

Even when Bad Charlie moved into the territory between their cottages and starting attacking them because of their forbidden love, the two dogs found a way to be together – risking their lives and necks to pass through Bad Charlie’s territory just to see each other.

The Romeo and Juliet of the Trent Severn Waterway.

So, I guess Griffin and I are never gonna hook up. Which is ok. I like German shepherds better anyway. And Griffin and Charlie make a great couple.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Storm: Goddess of the Hunt

I walked out the door this morning at 5:30 ready for action and looking for prey. My ears were straight up and listening. My tail was straight up and telling everyone that I rule. And my eyes were focused. First they focused on the patch of grass across from our driveway where the baby bunny has been most mornings. I looked...I walked cautiously and quietly...but he wasn't there today. So I moved to my next hunting area - down the street, second site of many close calls with a bunny. Another baby. Not too bright. I've been close. Only the leash saved it. He wasn't there either.

On we walked. Stopped for a pee...then chased a squirrel who was on a telephone wire above me.

You heard me right.

He was in the air. I was on the ground. Following him. Like the great hunter I am. Growling and stalking him from below.

You may think I haven't got a hope in hell of catching a squirrel on a phone line. You have the right to your opinion.

We moved along on our morning hunt. Saw Mr. Bunny; she wouldn't let me pursue him, even though I really wanted to. (she wants to pet the bunnies; I want to eat them...we clearly have little hope of finding common ground in the bunny department)

Not long after we saw Mr. Bunny, I was just too hot to hunt anymore.

It has been brutal. Hot, humid, sunny.

On the bright side, I've had plenty of swims in the lake across the street lately, and I have an excuse for being uber-lazy.

But I'm looking forward to fall...

Friday, July 6, 2007

Humiliation


I fell out of bed last night.

Lesli was reading. I was asleep at the foot of the bed.

I was tired. It had been a long, hot day. Four walks. Rabbits to chase. I had earned a good rest.

So, while she read in bed, I was out like a light.

Snoring.

I stretched.

And sent myself off the end of the bed. Landed on the antique stool she put there to help me climb up during the night. Upside down.

Oh my god, how embarrassing.

I righted myself. Tried to look like I planned it.

Failed.

Apparently I just looked humiliated.

And decided to sleep on my own bed on the floor for the rest of the night.

Lesson: No big stretches when you're near the edge of the bed.

Monday, July 2, 2007

Crazy Wet Dog is in the Building!

OH YEAH!!

She took me to the lake for a swim. Let me off leash. God it was great. I swam in Lake Ontario and ate water as I went.

We came home and I ran all over the house. Upstairs, downstairs, onto the couch, off the couch, onto the loveseat, off the loveseat. Ran up the stairs. Onto the bed...pushed my head into her pillows and flung them around the room...off the bed...onto the next bed...off there...downstairs again...

Ahhhhhh. Being a dog is joyful.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Dog Environmentalist

Listen, I ate the upstairs garbage because I thought it was important to divert the waste from local landfills, ok??

Just trying to do my part to keep our planet clean for future generations.

You can thank me later.

God knows, my stomach is not thanking me.

Monday, June 25, 2007

B-U-S-T-E-D



She finally caught me eating the toilet paper on the wall...with her camera nearby.

I only look ashamed because I knew it was what she was going for in the picture. I wasn't really ashamed.

It's getting hot again here in Burlington. Thank god for air conditioning. What a great invention. We only did one walk yesterday because it was so hot. I was dragging. I went for a swim in Lake Ontario, which helped. Slept the rest of the night. Today, I'm just being lazy. Best way to deal with the heat.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Extremes

German shepherds are listed as the third most intelligent breed of dog, behind border collies at first and standard poodles at second.

I'm smart. I can't deny it. And I frequently use my intelligence for evil.

Yesterday, I dropped a treat in Kim's car. Couldn't reach it. There was a plastic cup in the way. So I used my teeth to remove the plastic cup, set it on the car seat beside me, and then reached down to get the lost treat.

Very intelligent, if I do say so myself.

In order to keep the humans confused, I often do things that make me appear to be a few curds short of a poutine.

Take last night's walk, for instance.

I knew the dalmation sitting on someone's front porch with a "Welcome" sign hanging around its neck wasn't real.

I don't think Lesli had to laugh as hard as she did when I put my hackles up and barked at it. I mean, really.

Show some respect for the third smartest breed here.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Back from Camp


Hey everyone - I've been away for about a week, up at camp while Lesli went to San Diego to visit friends, and see her ex dog. Camp was a blast. I got so smelly that Lesli had all the car windows open on our drive home. I will never understand humans and why they don't like it when we smell so good.

On our drive Lesli told me about her ex dog. Cali came to live with Lesli and Jeff when she was a puppy. Lesli came home one day to find Jeff on the front steps and a little ball of yellow fluff playing on the lawn. Cali was a replacement for the dog Jeff's mom had loved and recently lost. She stayed with them a short time before Jeff took her to her new home in Wyoming. Lesli fell in love with her. She was the first dog Lesli loved as an adult. And it was intense. So, Cali went to her new home and Lesli and Jeff got regular updates on how she was doing.

Cali wasn't very old when Jeff's mom died, and Jeff and Lesli brought Cali home to San Diego. During the two years they all lived together, Lesli's dog love intensified. When she returned to Canada in 1998, she said that leaving Cali almost killed her. She had to pull off the road to cry. She saw Cali again in 2000, and hadn't seen her since.

So seeing Cali, at 11 now, after not seeing her for over seven years, was pretty intense. And Lesli said it was wonderful. They walked and hung out, went to Starbucks so Lesli could read and Cali could rest on the sidewalk.

Apparently, this dog has no reaction to skateboarders and joggers and other dogs - not sure what's up with that, but to each his own, I guess.

She is part golden retriever, and has the mask of an older dog now. Still gentle and sweet and will still gaze into Lesli's eyes while she talks to her.

And when Lesli left her Tuesday morning, she could barely see the road for the tears. When her plane took off, the tears poured down her face. A flight attendant brought her kleenex and humoured her by looking at pictures of Cali on her digital camera.

I suppose the human heart is limitless. There is no limit to their love - at their best, they are a lot like us. They love many, and love them intensely and without reservation. I know she loves me just as much, and that, as hard as it was for her to leave Cali behind again, she was filled with joy when she saw me.

I kind of sensed she was sad, so I snuggled close to her last night when she fell asleep.

After the bitch gave me a bath.

Hopefully she will see Cali again. In the meantime, I know Cali is in her heart. And she is the reason Lesli has me.

Monday, June 11, 2007

The Case of the Missing Muffin

Throughout history, there have been thieves.

Great thieves. Not so great thieves. Brilliant thieves. Moronic thieves. Dashing Hollywood thieves - Cary Grant in To Catch a Thief. Pierce Brosnan in The Thomas Crown Affair. The Kissing Bandit on the Flinstones. He even left a single red rose behind after robbing his victims. (I leave slobber)

These ones are thieves you can't help but love.

They're not evil.

Just playful.

And very good looking. Dark, smouldering good looks and charm.

They can't help but steal. It's the challenge. The game. The reward. They even steal from those they love.

And only ask forgiveness if they are caught.

It is in the great tradition of those dark, good looking thieves you can't help but love that I walk.

Storm. The Great Muffin Thief.

My conquests are many.

A muffin left in the car today by Kim, my wonderful dog walker. I suppose she thought her muffin was safe since she was in the car with me. She knows otherwise now.

An entire package of soup left in a pot on the stove. (and, might I add - without the pot leaving the stove or hitting the kitchen floor)

A significant amount of chocolate kahlua cheesecake cooling on the back of the stove.

A giant bag of super rich dog treats left on the back of the counter.

A loaf of freshly baked bread taken from within a plastic grocery bag set on the floor for just a moment.

A pound of butter from the kitchen counter.

I am legendary.

I get caught. Regularly.

How do I avoid being sent to the big house?

Wiggle my ass. Ears flat back. Wag my tail. Pretend I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry.

Heh heh.

Works every time.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Respect Your Elders

This is something we dogs live by. And if some young kid forgets it, we teach them. In no uncertain terms.

Lesli dropped me off at my favourite camp this morning. She has to go to a conference this weekend, so I'm spending the weekend at the kennel. I love this place. I love Tracy - she's a great alpha dog to all of us. Tracy and Wendy have a farm with a big fenced play area for us to hang out in. We all sleep together in a big family room at night. It's a blast.

When we got there this morning, another dog had just been dropped off. He looked a bit like me, but I could tell he was younger. He was inside the fence with Tracy. He went into territorial protection mode when we arrived. I just ignored it and headed toward the horses. I wanted to give them a piece of my mind.

Lesli tried to get me to go into the fenced area, with Barky going at it. No way in hell. I dug in.

So, she put a treat into her hand to lure me in.

It worked.

Except there was no treat. She tricked me.

But I was inside the fence with Tracy and Barky.

Barky sniffed me, tried to make himself look bigger by throwing his hackles up. I let him sniff me. No big deal. I sniffed him. Determined he was still a puppy. Maybe about a year old.

Lesli and Barky's owner stood by their cars on the other side of the fence, talking with Tracy.

Next thing I know, Barky's giving me attitude. Up close.

Uh, I don't THINK so.

So we went at it. Full on. Teeth bared. Growling. I let him know this is not how you treat your elders. And if you try it, you will suffer for it.

Tracy just watched us. I guess she knew we weren't likely going to bite each other.

It took him awhile to get the message. But he did.

He started licking my mouth. Showing me the respect I deserve.

Smart guy.

These are the lessons we dogs all end up learning. If we're lucky. Otherwise, we end up in a lot of trouble down the road.

My dad had to bite me to get the lesson through to me. Believe me, I got it then.

And I think Barky got it today.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Crazzzzzzyyyyyyyyyyy Wet Dog

I don't know what it is about being wet - but it makes me nuts. As soon as I've been in a lake, river, or puddle - or survived the hell of a backyard rinse or bath - all I want to do is run. Like Superman goes into a booth as Clark Kent and comes out in his cape as Superman, I go into the water as Storm...

...and come out as Crazy Wet Dog (cue superhero music).

ALL over the house or yard or wherever I am - I am like a dog possessed, running and jumping and wiggling my ass all over the place.

Tonight, I think I had the best time ever.

Lesli and I went to Bronte - it was a perfect night for an off leash run. After a week of heat and humidity, it's 13 degrees tonight. I found my big mud puddle twice - it felt great. Ran through the long grass after my dip. But my paws and belly were muddy, so I ended up in the yard when we got home for the dreaded rinse.

Then...I ran.

Into the house.

Up the stairs.

Lesli could hear the thuds coming from the second floor as I ran up and down the stairs...jumped on a bed...smashed my face into the pillows....off the bed...onto another bed...(yes Grandma, I jumped on your bed. I'm sorry.)....then we played chase through the house...and I flew onto the bed so fast that I almost overshot it.

What pure joy. What a marvellous feeling.

Life is wonderful, isn't it?

Sunday, June 3, 2007

A Burlington Saturday Night



Grandma came to visit last night, and we did the most amazing thing. We went for a ride in her car - and it has no roof!! Lesli and I sat together in the back and she kept me on my leash - let me tell you, it was incredible. I could smell so many things while we drove. The wind was going through my fur. We drove by people and bikes and dogs and houses - and ended up at Dairy Queen. People kept looking at me, smiling. One guy asked me "And what are you going to get?" as we sat in the long drive through line. We got ice cream cones - Lesli shared hers. I tried to bite the whole scoop of ice cream from the cone, but she thwarted my valiant efforts.

I love this convertable thing! I think we need to get one!

It has been really hot. Lesli and I have just been going for short walks. I get so hot. I've been pretty lazy, just hanging around a lot.

She brought what appears to be a large purple water dish home for me on Friday night. Used the garden hose to fill it with water and put it in the yard. It's a great water dish. She keeps saying something to me about getting into it. Not sure what the hell she's talking about.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Dog for Sale

Black German shepherd. Six years old. Female. Spayed.

Likes food, squirrels, running around the house when wet.

And shaking in new cars after swimming in muddy creeks.

Serious offers only.



(ps...I thought the car looked nice after I was finished...Lesli's white t-shirt looked better covered in mud. So did the car windows. And dashboard. And driver's side door. And passenger side door. And...well, there really weren't many unaffected areas. I rock.)

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Mr. Bunny

We see this bunny every single morning on our walk - he is always in the same general area, a tiny parkette at the corner of Burloak and Lakeshore. There were a few mornings when Mr. Bunny was with a friend sitting in the grass, but not long after the two of them started hanging out, we saw a bunny lying on Lakeshore Road near the parkette. Since then, Mr. Bunny has been on his own.

So, every morning at about 5:45 am, we approach the intersection of Burloak and Lakeshore, and Lesli says something about seeing Mr. Bunny. And sure enough, we see him. Sometimes in front of the brush. Sometimes sitting in the middle of the park, ears up, listening and watching. Sometimes by the time we approach he has already sensed us, and if he is in a position which affords no escape, he is like a statue - completely still, ears plastered to his head, watching us as we move by.

If he is close to the bushes, he runs - and I get an awesome chase of out it. He did that this morning. It was great. He got away, but it was still a fun chase.

The one morning he wasn't there, we worried.

But he was back the next day.

Our pal, Mr. Bunny.

I'd love to eat him.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Dog Hell: Chapter 1

Being stuck in a car for two and a half hours with no means of escape.

While your human sings to seventies music.

Frampton. The Stones. Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. Gilbert Sullivan.

The Partridge Family...

Helen Reddy.

I swear.

"I am woman hear me roar...in numbers to big to ignore...and I know too much to go back and pretend"

The next time she writes here that we are going to Kincardine, please, please - somebody help me.

Call in the SWAT team. Dog in hostage situation. Something.

Just save me.


Writer's note: Go ahead. Call the SWAT team.

Friday, May 25, 2007

It's a Real, Live Miracle

That's what she's telling everyone.

She finally found something I won't eat.

Two or three times when she came out of Second Cup with a cafe mocha with lots of foam on the top, she let me lick the top and try the foam. I got it on my face, on the dashboard. But I tried it.

In fairness, I do eat everything...even blood oranges. Trust me...EVERYTHING.

Except this foam crap.

She offered it to me yesterday. I sniffed. Remembered...turned my face away.

Thinking this was an anomaly, she did it again this morning.

Sniffed...turned my face away again.

That's when she started emailing and calling people.

Whatever!!

It's really hot today. Best way to deal with these days is to be very, very lazy. Drink a lot of water. Sleep lots. Walk slowly. Just be lazy. Trust me on this.

I think we're going to see Bristol and Piper in Kincardine this weekend!

Thursday, May 24, 2007

To Pee, or Not to Pee. That IS the Question.

I was walking at Bronte Park with Bella last night. She is a ten month old German shepherd. Tan and black. I like her - we had some good play. I showed her the mud puddle at the end of the little creek that has dried up - when we came out, we both looked great. We even had mud on our faces!

Bella peed a few times during our walk, so I had to check it out and determine whether I needed to pee on top of hers. And it was, in fact, required for each pee. I didn't need to go back to check after I peed - I was satisfied that I had left my mark effectively.

Sometimes, I sniff a pole, tree or other common p-mail spots and determine that I do not need to leave my mark.

Sometimes, I sniff and determine that the spot is pee worthy.

It's not just spots where other dogs have left messages that sometimes need to be marked. Coyote poo, for example, does not require my input. But fox poo does.

I'm a girl, but I can still pee up a pole. I employ my patented Three Legged Pee technique. It's impressive.

When something is pee-worthy, I ensure I leave my mark.

Sometimes, I'm satisfied immediately and can continue on my way. Other times, I need to go back and check out what I've left there to make sure it's satisfactory before I leave. On rare occasions, I need to scratch the ground a bit to ensure my scent is right in there.

Why?

Can't tell you.

Dog secret.

Would have to kill you.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

The Goose is on to Something...

LAY DOWN while you eat.

Isn't that brilliant?

Just lay there and relax while you stretch your neck out to eat grass. I could do that.

What a great way to combine laziness and relaxation with my favourite pastime of stuffing my face.

Had a good roll in the grass early this morning. Humans should do that. It feels incredible. Fresh, spring grass on your back, the early morning sky above you. Nothing like it in the world.

Also saw Riley, this totally hot shepherd, this morning. I wiggled for him. Hope he noticed.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Walking with Humans

Holy crap, was Lesli acting like a freak on our walk tonight. We'd be walking along, everything normal - I was sniffing things, she was looking around at flowers and yapping about seeing bunnies or something. All of a sudden, she'd start waving her hands around in front of her face. Or, ducking...like she was Muhammed Ali ducking an oncoming punch.

Except, there was nothing coming at her.

I tried to pretend I didn't notice at first.

Looked around, hoping that, despite the leash, people would think I wasn't associated with the freak beside me.

Kept my head up. Looked as stunning as ever. Begging everyone through my body language "plesae, don't judge me by my human".

She kept doing it. Ducking. Swatting the air.

And then I figured it out - HUGE swarms of little bugs! At human level!

Still...even though there was a good reason...it was pretty damned embarrassing.

She's working tonight - went into the city today and left me on my own for awhile. It's strange when she leaves now. We're together so much. I like being together. But I also like my routine.

Get up, big stretch, walk, pee, poo, chase bunnies, go to water, chase geese, walk through park, chase squirrels, come home, collar off, same words every morning "ok boo boo, ready for breakfast???", eat breakfast like it's my last meal, lick plate with peanut butter on it, curl up beside Lesli while she watches the morning news, endure kiss on nose when she goes up for shower, nap upstairs while she works or nap downstairs while I wait for Kim, my dog walker. Walk again, chase more things. Come home. Nap. Greet Lesli when she gets home. Eat dinner. Walk. Nap. Endure "Boo boo, ready for night nights?". Every...single...night. Get help up onto bed. Take over bed. Sleep.

WHAT A LIFE.

Monday, May 21, 2007

German shepherd: 0 Chipmunks: 5,000


Ok, let's be a little more realistic here. If I wasn't a dog, and didn't have to rely on Ms. Exaggeration 2007 to type my blog, the title would have been more like:

"German shepherd: Hunting Goddess...Chipmunks: Too many near misses to count"

We went for a long hike this morning at Rattlesnake Point. It was beautiful. Like being in the middle of a sea of green, with birds singing all around us, small white moths floating just above the ground. We went early, so the only sounds we heard were the sounds of the forest. No noisy humans around that early.

But, man, were there chipmunks. Everywhere I turned, chipmunks.

And I chased 'em all. Every last one of them.

Many ended up with a clean getaway (although if it wasn't for the leash, fate might have smiled upon me...).

Some of them ran and chirped like crazy, telling their neighbours that evil approached.

But a few mentally challenged chipmunks - god, was I close.

One ran out from the leaves right under my belly. I was sniffing a plant, and all of a sudden...WHOOSH - out comes this chipmunk! I gave chase, and if my damned shoulders weren't wider than my head (and therefore unable to proceed through the space between the two small trees as easily as my head did...) I would have had this one.

I was stuck for a few seconds before I figured out I could just back up.

The human laughed.

We walked for three hours, and I must have chased a chipmunk every few seconds. It was nirvana.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

A Bird Learns a Valuable Life Lesson

We got home from a hike yesterday, and Lesli let me out into the yard. Suddenly, we heard a commotion in the corner garden. It all happened so fast - something seemed to be flying across the yard, but not very well. I ran to the rose garden, where it seemed to be headed, and it kind of fell down into the gap between the garden and the fence. Meanwhile, these big black birds were making a ton of noise around us. I could not believe my luck...I had this bird cornered. I was trying to get the damned thing in my mouth, when Lesli realized what was going on and grabbed me by the collar and yanked me off. I was so pissed - I was, like, seconds away from catching my prey. You would think she'd be proud.

She pulled me back, and this little bird flew back toward the ferns where we found it. Parents were still on the fence and in the bushes squaking their brains out. Looks like this was this guy's first flight. He seemed drunk. He flew low, from the ferns, and perched on the brick of the house. Then, back to the ferns and - oops - right into the fence.

Lesli watched him for a bit to make sure he was ok.

I got to watch from inside the house. My reward for almost catching us a snack.

She went back out later and he was gone, so it looks like his first flight turned from near disaster to a successful fledge.

We did a ton of walking and hiking yesterday. It was great. Kind of hot - 22 degrees and sunny may be nice for humans, but for a dog with a double black coat...not so nice. I think Lesli and her friend Mike may go get me a pool this week. If they do, I will give them both my famous and patented Storm facial.

Hell, if the RCMP drivers liked it, Lesli and Mike should.

I got to go in the lake this morning! When we got home, I had breakfast and then ran like crazy all over the house! I jumped on the bed and rolled around in the white sheets! It was awesome!!!

Friday, May 18, 2007

Toilet Paper - A Delicacy Best Enjoyed in Private

While Lesli was on a date last night (more about that in a moment...) I noshed on some of the toilet paper in the upstairs bathroom. She put a new roll on yesterday. The ones from Costco - huge double rolls. So much to eat. I just wish I could conceal the evidence, but, without an opposable thumb, I have to leave the toilet paper pulled down and chewed at the end when I'm done. Which gives me away. She came home, went upstairs to change, and I hear the inevitable "Stooorrrrmmmmmmm....what did you do??". I went upstairs and did my pretty dance. Ears back...head low...wiggle my butt alot...always gets her. Like, yeah, I did it. Couldn't help it. It's just so damned tasty. Look how CUTE I am! How can you be mad??

And I'll do it again, too.

So, my human went on a date last night - she's getting better at this. I'm trying to teach her that, just because one doesn't work out, it doesn't mean you give up on love. Love is everything. And if one guy hurts you or turns out not to be the one, that's ok. There will be others. You just forget about it and move on to the next adventure. When Vimy, my boyfriend in Ottawa, bit me...it was hard, but I moved on. And what do you know - I met Riley! I don't hate Vimy - I still like him. Why not? Why hate? I don't even know what that is - but I can't imagine it would do me any good to know. So, Lesli dates and is starting to believe that there is a magical, wonderful man out there who will come into her life when the time is right - and only fate knows when that will be - and he will be crazy about her, just like I am, and want to spend time with her and want her to be everything she can be.

I think I'm a good influence.

Back to my morning nap.